Little Flower
by RedRosey18
Summary: I always watched, I watched them hug, I watched them kiss and it made me sick. Sick with myself for how much it hurt, the pain tearing me apart every chance it got because I had fallen in love with my brothers boyfriend. AU, Cutting, Suicide, Yaoi
1. Chapter 1

**New story, be gentle **

__Note:__

__This story is based off of the anime/manga of Junjou Romantica, I in no way own the original story but all credit goes to Nakamura Shungiku. I do however own the idea for this story. It is not necessary to have read the manga beforehand because this is an AU fic.__

__Also Nii-chan means brother in Japanese and Usagi means rabbit.__

* * *

><p><em>I was sitting on are couch, watching the clock, waiting for my brother to get home. Today was his birthday, so I had made a full course meal and a wedding like birthday cake. I heard the bell ring and wondered who it could be considering if it was Nii-chan he would have just walked in.<em>

_Opening the door, standing in front of me stood a man with violet eyes and silver hair. The moment I looked into those eyes it was like something just clicked inside of me. I use to think that love at first sight was just a load of crap; I mean how you can love someone that you know nothing about. _

_In that moment it didn't matter who the man was or what he was doing, it didn't even matter that he was a man, because in that moment I understood the meaning of 'love at first sight'_

"_Um__…." He mumbled out and I __realized that I was staring _

"_Who are you" I managed in reply_

"_I'm here for __Takahashi birthday" he held out a present as if trying to prove his point_

_I let him in even though it probably wasn't the safest option. He sat down right where I was moments ago. He put the present down and waited for Nii-chan, soon he came home. His smile brightened as he saw the man._

"_Oh good you have met "he said clapping his hands together_

_Suddenly the surroundings changed from being white and frilly to dark black as he spoke_

"_Misaki, this is Usami Akihiko, my lover" then they kissed as if to prove that fact even more_

_Crakes formed in the picture as it shattered along with my heart_

I jolted up in bed

'A dream' I thought 'no a nightmare of real life.' It was a dream of when I had first met Usami-san or as Nii-chan calls him Usagi-san. That day I had fallen in love and had my heart broken in less than 30 minutes.

Trying to sleep now was pointless, so I got up; pulling on a shirt I stumbled down stairs to get a glass of water. On my way back up I ran into Nii-chan walking down the stairs, he smiled but I couldn't bring myself to smile back at him.

It wasn't that I hated him but I just couldn't make myself be nice to him or play the loving brother when we were alone. Everywhere else, when in front of people, I would play my part of the adoring little brother but that was it.

I didn't hate him, it wasn't that I didn't care about him but at the same time I couldn't stand him. The feelings of what I knew where right and what I wanted to do tore me apart and being around him made it worse.

The days passed slowly as I settled in to a comfortable pattern that was never ending. Everything seemed a little duller and I couldn't seem to get interested in anything. So I studied and that was about it, because of that I had top grades. It was a little surprising, even with all the studding I did, because I was not the smartest cookie in the jar.

It didn't really matter I suppose, it gave me something to do which I was thankful for, and without it I would have gone insane by now. The bell rang and Nii-chan called for me to get it because he was in the shower. I got up from the table where I had sat myself to do my homework 30 minutes ago. Opening the door I found the guy that was the star of my adoration.

"Hi, come on in. are you guys going on a date?" I managed to get out normally as I let him into the house

I felt my heart tighten almost painfully as I spoke, he nodded, and I felt it tighten even more so. I was already use to the pain considering that it had been 3 months since Nii-chan birthday. Still, even though it had been that long and I was use to the throb that seeing Usami-san brought it didn't make it hurt any less.

"Well, he should be down soon" I said as I left him to stand and wait for his beloved. For some reason he was never real talkative with me, maybe he sense something from me that made him stay away. Either that or he just didn't like me; neither would surprise me if they were true.

I sat back down but instead of doing my work I watched him. I didn't have to look away to know when Nii-chan came down stairs because Usami-sans face lit up like a Christmas tree. I felt my heart give another painful squeeze. I watched as they gave a passionate kiss hello, Nii-chan yelled something about not forgetting to eat and lock the door, and then they left.

A few minutes after they left, to make sure that they weren't going to come back because they forgot something, Misaki let the first of the many tears he would shed tonight fall down his face. The wet, hot tears slide down his face and on to his unfinished homework.

A small sob escaped his lips as the tears poured faster and harder down his face making a sticky mess. Unable to hold it any more he let more sobs spill from his mouth, his small body shaking at the force of his sobs that came one after another. Soon they died down into nothing more than hic ups that still shook his frame.

After he had met Usami-san and then realize he could do nothing about his feelings he thought they would disappear. That the pain that he got from seeing them together, to see them kiss and hug, would go away with the feeling. He knew that he would never have him, he knew that if he did anything not only would he hurt himself with the rejection but he would also hurt his brother and put Usami-san in a really bad position which he did not want to do.

Still even knowing all this, even after months, the feelings never went away no matter how hard he pushed them away from himself. No matter how hard he tried to block his heart from the pain, no matter how hard he tried to separate from the things around him nothing worked.

The more he tried, the more he broke his own heart, the more disgusted he became with himself. He was uncomfortable in his own skin, he sickened himself and he couldn't stand it, he couldn't stand himself.

No, he didn't hate his brother. He didn't hate those around him nor did he hate Usami-san, if anything the only person he hated was himself.

The sobs stopped and he stood to go take a shower to clean up the sticky mess he made with crying but as soon as he got in the shower another batch of tears came up and flowed down his face. Unable to stand anymore he collapsed on to the floor, even harsher sobs coming out, the tears mixed with the warm water that sprayed on his back as he sobbed alone with no hope of help.

**Please R & R**

**Also if anyone has any advice or suggestions that would be really helpful **


	2. Chapter 2

**Next chapter, enjoy**

Eventually I had to get out of the shower and I finally did after the water turned cold. The tears had dried for now. I couldn't help but hope that they would be the only ones tonight, but I knew that was a pointless wish.

I dried my hair with one hand and got dressed with the other. After that was done, I went back down stairs, locking the door on my way to the kitchen, knowing that if I didn't I would get a scolding from Nii-chan. I stopped at my unfinished homework.

The tears that had fallen on the paper had already dried into blemishes on the once perfectly white paper. The sight reminded me why I was crying in the first place, and I felt my eyes fill again, but I pushed it away. It was a skill that I had picked up from all the nights I had dinner with the two love birds.

Sitting down and picking up the paper, I started to finish my homework, trying with all my might to distract myself. Thankfully, it worked, and I lost myself in the world of mathematics. The next time I looked up it was dark outside. I got up to make dinner. I felt my heart tighten, knowing that I would once again be eating alone.

Even though I could feel the heat coming off the burner, I still felt cold. Like somehow the fire that had been keeping me warm and alive all this time had dimmed down and was only a flickering candle now. I ate in silence, a silence seemed to stretch out in front of me so much that even my breathing and the little sounds of my eating seemed like thunder in in the small space.

When I was done, I washed the dishes. The sound of the running water came as a relief from the dead silence but, soon that too was gone. I walked to my room, my steps echoing throughout the house. It was pointless to try to sleep, I was lucky if I got any sleep at night, so I decided to play a game.

I wasn't even the slightest bit interested in the game, but I figured anything to relive my boredom would be good. I briefly wondered when Nii-chan and Usami would get home, but quickly pushed the thought away since it hurt too much to think about.

It was well after midnight when I heard the door open, than slam shut with some laughter. I quickly shut off my game and lights; hoping they would think I was asleep. I heard them stumble up the stairs and into Nii-chans room, right next to mine. I heard the bed creak, and soon moans where drifting through the paper-thin walls.

I felt my eyes prick with tears that I refused to let fall because I knew they would hear my sobs. I fisted the bed covers that I was laying on in my hands, I tried biting my lip until I tasted blood but I just couldn't hold it anymore. It just hurt too much. I felt the tears slide down my face, hot and wet. I let go of the covers so I could clamp my hand over my mouth to keep in the wails that tried to escape.

I got out of bed and pulled on a sweat-shirt, then left the confines of the house. Running to the park that was close to the house, I sat on a bench and let the strangled cries and heartbroken wails pour out of my mouth. The sounds echoed through the park before the sound came back to me and I realized how pathetic I must look. I didn't just look pathetic; I was pathetic, and stupid, for holding on-to these feelings when all they caused was pain.

I was crying over someone who would never even give me the time of day! In fact, I was sure he didn't even know I was alive; I let out another strangled cry at that thought. I was worse than pathetic, disgusting, trash, revolting; sickening, that was what I was.

After a few moments, I was able to calm myself down. I pushed the image; my mind had created of the two together, into the farthest corner of my mind. I felt even colder now, and the candle inside me flickered, almost going out but not quite. It was a tiny, blue flame in my core. I stood and walked to the 24/7 diner that was only a few blocks from my house.

The bell above the door rang as I entered. A very tired man with dyed blond hair greeted me and led me to my usual corner booth. I had been in here more times than I cared to remember. Whenever Usami was over, or whenever I couldn't sleep, I would come here. I even knew some of the employees by name and I was sure that some of them knew mine.

Only two other people were in the diner beside me. One was a man in a suit tapping nonstop on a laptop sitting at a table in the middle of the shop. The other was a girl sitting in a booth with her head stuck in a book, probably studying for something.

One of the waiters, named Haru, came out and gave me a cup of coffee, already knowing that it was all that I was going to have that night or I guess morning by now. I thanked him as he left. I pulled out the book that I kept in my sweat shirt for moments like this. It seemed like only minutes had gone by since I had opened my book, but my watch went off, telling me it was 4 am and time to go home.

After paying for my coffee, I walked home, still not feeling even the slightest bit tired, the only thing I could think was _'__I hope they are finished.__'_ My heart gave a squeeze at that, but I ignored it. When I opened the door, I was met with silence, and for once I welcomed it. As I walked up the stairs, a slight snore could be heard from Nii-chans room.

The door was cracked open just enough that one could look in; I knew it would only hurt me but I looked inside anyway. It looked like a scene straight out of a movie: Nii-chan was wrapped in Usami's big arms with his head resting on his lover's bare chest.

_God what I would give to be in Nii-chan__'__s place! _I thought as I leaned on the wall, letting my head hit it. Sighing, I tried to suppress the desire to rush in there screaming and break them up. My heart tugged and tugged, but I refused to listen, knowing the consequences. Instead, I started walking to my room, the image already locked in my mind. As if I needed more proof that I there was no way I could ever have Usami.

More proof that I didn't belong with them, that I was only in the way.

While walking towards my room, I felt the bitterness and disgust rise in my throat. The bile rose in my throat and I rushed to the bathroom, just in time as I threw up. That was a first. It amused me slightly that the disgust I felt for myself was strong enough that it caused me to react physically. It just showed how revolting I really was. I threw up one more time before getting up and washing my mouth out. I pushed the image- from Nii-chan's room into the corner of my mind with the other ones.

I climbed into bed, not even bothering to change or take off my clothes, and closed my eyes, knowing that this was only for show. I wouldn't be getting any sleep tonight either.

**Please R & R**

**If anyone has any suggestions or advice they want to offer that would be really helpful. Also is it moving to slow or is there to much of the crying, painful, heart squeezing stuff? **

**It would be really helpful for any type of advice or criticism; this is only my second story so I'm not really sure how to make the story come out as I want it to. Thanks! : )**


	3. Chapter 3

**Next chapter, enjoy **

I awoke to the sun rising. I was happy for the few hours of sleep that I had managed to get. My body felt sluggish as I stood up. The moment my feet supported all my weight, my legs gave out and I fell right on my ass. Pain shot up my spine as I tried to stand again.

After a few moments I was able to get my balance. It must have been from throwing up last night and lack of sleep. I pushed it out of my mind, figuring if it was serious, it would kill me and everything that I was going through would be over.

That thought made me a pause, but I pushed it away, knowing it was true. Also knowing sleep wasn't coming back and all the homework had been done last night, I settled on the couch to finish the book I had started.

I had only a few pages left when I heard movement upstairs. Knowing that the two were getting up, I put my book away and started breakfast. As two sets of feet stumbled down the stairs, I mentally prepared myself to eat breakfast with the love birds without having a break-down in the middle of it. When I turned around to say a morning greeting, with my normal, cheerful smile that was so fake it almost hurt my cheeks, I saw something I was not prepared for: Usami shirtless.

I blushed all the way to the top of my ears and felt a certain lower area become very uncomfortable. Trying to calm myself, I turned away from the breath-taking sight. He was so sexy, I couldn't help myself! Just the thought of him shirtless was enough to arouse me, let alone seeing the actual thing!

I swallowed hard and tears stung my eyes as I remembered that I could only look, no I wasn't even allowed to do that, I could never touch. Even once would ruin everything that I work so hard for. It would all go down the drain; I would hurt those closest to me. I didn't even want to think about how much it would hurt me.

I swallowed again; if I cried they would know something was off. This thing, this secret... I had promised myself that I would lock it in the deepest, darkest corner of my heart. I would lock it there and throw away the key. No one would know, no one could _ever_ know. I would lie to others, I would lie to myself, and I would do whatever it took to keep it hidden away forever.

While thinking that, I had managed to distract myself from crying and now the tears that had wanted to fall were nowhere to be seen. I heard Nii-chan set the table, because Usami was banned from touching _anything_ related to the kitchen.

Soon I finished cooking. Thankfully- or not thankfully, I couldn't decide- Usami had put on a shirt. He had already begun digging in as both Nii-chan and I watched him. This was about the only time I could openly watch him. He sat across from me and if anyone asked I could just say I was zoning out. I was brought out of my daze when Nii-chan started talking to me.

"So, got any plans after school?" he asked to my surprise. We usually just ate in silence, but I liked this much better. It was so much warmer to talk to someone.

"Yes, I have a date." I was a little grim on the inside about this 'date,' but on the outside I stayed perfectly happy.

My eyes slide over to Usami. It hurt a little that he looked happy I was going on a date. I smiled, positive that it came out as a grimace that would give me away, but Nii-chan just continued to smile.

"That's nice." Then he went back to eating. With the silence back, all the warmth left the room.

I was tempted to shiver at the sudden breeze that went through the room, but I knew it was only my imagination. Taking one more look at Usami, I picked up my plate and brought it to the sink. I made a mental note to do the dishes when I got back. I grabbed my back pack and left after saying a goodbye to Nii-chan.

They barely noticed me leaving, and it made me wonder what would happen if one day I didn't come home. I paused in the middle of the sidewalk.

Would they even notice?

Probably not; nobody wants trash. I continued walking before I felt a sudden urge come over me. I rushed to the bushes and emptied my stomach contents into them. It seemed like forever passed before I was finished. I leaned back, pulling my handkerchief out of my bag and wiped my mouth.

"That's weird." I mumbled to myself.

'_Repulsive'_

I had the urge to throw up again, but I had nothing else to throw up, so it came out as gagging more than anything else. I wiped my mouth again and finished my walk to school, not wanting to be late. Thankfully nothing else had happened on the way, and I got there right as the bell rang.

School passed quickly, more quickly than I would have liked. I was used to the days passing quickly, but this one seemed to be on fast-forward. The day ended and I didn't even want to think about what came next. Though, I suppose that what came next was better than going home, and watching the love-birds all night, then crying myself to sleep.

A girl with waist-length black hair and grey eyes that 'could look into the soul,' or so they say, was waved at me frantically from the other side of the hall. Eventually, she found a way through the crowd of students, and came bouncing up to me.

"You ready for our date?" she asked excitedly.

I nodded, hoping my smile had managed to stay in place. For a moment I was tempted to run in the other direction, but she intertwined our hands and pulled me out of the school. Thankfully, she had a car, because I didn't, and we climbed in.

It felt weird to let a girl drive on a date, but I didn't have my license, and I didn't want to walk. We went on such a normal date that it was almost cliché. At the moment we were at a nice family restaurant.

Kimi, the girl, was talking nonstop, but I couldn't think of anything besides how boring she was. Kimi was, by no means, boring. She was beautiful, and could hold her own in a conversation, but I just wasn't interested. Any other boy would have been lucky to even get a date with her, but I couldn't get a certain purple eyed, silver haired man out of my mind.

When the night ended, she dropped me off at my house, leaving me with her number on a scrap of paper and a peck on the cheek. As she drove away, I crumpled up the paper, knowing I would never call her. I unlocked the door and went inside; I didn't hear anything, so I figured that the two had gone out to eat or something. Really, I didn't care, and it hurt too much to try to think about it.

I was thankful that they were gone because I wouldn't be able to control my emotions if they were here. The silence was a nice change from the near-constant babbling that Kimi did. I wanted to hit my head repeatedly on the wall until I couldn't think anymore.

Kimi wasn't the first girl that I had tried to use to get over my first love. I thought that if I could fall in love with someone else, then I would forget everything about Usami, and the pain that came with that love would leave.

It seemed like a great idea at the time, but the more I tried, the worse I felt about everything. In all, it didn't work. Apparently, it isn't that easy to fall in love. I turned the water on to start the dishes and that's when I heard it. I don't know how I managed to block it out; maybe I was just too lost in thought.

Literal screams of pleasure echoed throughout the house, all coming from Nii-chan's room. It didn't take much to realize what was happening upstairs. The shock and inability to prepare myself was too much to handle, and I dropped the glass that I was holding. It fell to the ground, shattering upon impact.

I tried to stop the tears and pick up the glass, but it wasn't working since my vision was so blurry that I couldn't make out anything to be more than fuzz.

One of the sharp edges from the glass pricked my finger. I jerked my hand back, closer to my face and looked down. I could see the red liquid rush out of my finger and down my palm, and then drip onto the floor. I felt strangely better, like a little bit of the pressure on my heart had been released. I stared in awe at my hand, and then a thought struck me.

_If I can create more of that pain then maybe, just maybe, I could remove more of the painful pressure in my heart._

That was the only thing that I wanted, to remove that pain. I just wanted to feel better, was that so wrong? I felt my heart squeeze hard. I jumped to my feet, rushing as quickly and quietly as I could to my room.

I grabbed my knife, which I kept around just in case; I slid it open and pressed it to the middle of my forearm. Looking up, I caught my reflection in the full length mirror that hung on the back of my door. I looked awful; I shifted my gaze back down to my arm, trying to make up my mind.

The next time I looked in the mirror, there was something like determination in my eyes. Biting my lip, I prepared myself for what I was going to do. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I hoped beyond hope that this would somehow save me from the black abyss that was slowly sucking me in.

**Please R & R**

**If anyone has any suggestions or advice they want to offer that would be really helpful. Also is it moving to slow or is there to much of the crying, painful, heart squeezing stuff? **

**It would be really helpful for any type of advice or criticism; this is only my second story so I'm not really sure how to make the story come out as I want it to. Thanks! : )**


	4. Chapter 4

**Next Chapter, enjoy **

I awoke from the longest sleep I had had in a long time. I felt strangely refreshed, and, for the first time in a while, not sick to my stomach. I pulled a baggy long-sleeved shirt on, and made my way downstairs. Both Usami and Nii-chan were already downstairs.

It felt a little odd because usually I was down before them. I went to make breakfast, pulling up my sleeves. It had been a couple of days, so my wrists didn't hurt, but the materials brushing against the sensitive skin still made me flinch. I pulled the sleeves back down quickly and made sure that no body was watching.

Thankfully, the boys were too wrapped up in each other to be paying any attention to me. Not wanting to watch their morning love-fest, I turned back to the task at hand. I expected the pain to rush over me, but just like the last few days, I just felt numb. It saddened me a little bit, but it was a nice relief from the constant pain.

I put the food on the table and we all sat to eat. I wasn't hungry at all, so I picked at my food until it was time to go to school. I didn't even bother saying a goodbye, knowing it would have been lost on Nii-chan who was now staring adoringly at Usami.

A dull ache settled throughout my body, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. It was almost worse than the pain from before. I wondered where it came from; I had been feeling better, without any pain at all, and now this?

The months of enduring soul-shattering pain seemed to have built up my tolerance, because I was able to ignore it. The flame that I had tried to keep alive felt even smaller now. It was small before, but it was even smaller now. That alone was heartbreaking.

I decided it would be better to ignore that as well and get to class. The last thing I wanted to do was add useless to the growing list of things that described me.

'_Revolting' _

The thought was so sudden that if the bathroom hadn't been right there, I would have thrown up on the floor. I rushed into one of the stalls and coughed up the remnants of the little bit of food I had actually eaten yesterday. This was getting old, really fast. I wished something would make it stop. My stomach convulsed again, but thankfully I didn't have anything left to throw up.

I felt my pocket, feeling for the knife I had stashed there this morning. I pulled it out and flicked it open. The metal surface caught the light and reflected it onto the wall. Turning it, I could see my reflection in the blade, like a mirror. The bags under my eyes were smaller from the sleep I had managed to get the last few days. Even with the bags being smaller, my face was still deathly pale, so really, I looked the same. If I was going to do this, I needed to do it. I only had 5 minutes before class started, and I wasn't going to be late.

I pulled the shirt up, the fabric bunched around my elbow. The ugly red lines that I had done a couple of days ago were still there, and shined dully in the dimmed light. I pressed the knife to my forearm; I could hear my heart beating as blood rushed through my ears. Just the small press of the knife to my fragile skin made a trickle of blood flow out.

I pressed harder and pulled it horizontally, then lifted it up again. I repeated the action over and over. With every slice, pain rushed through my body, almost as a relief.

The dull ache seemed to subside for the moment. My heart felt calmer for the first time in a long while; it felt tranquil, removing the knife. Blood dripped from the wound, down my arm and onto the floor. Bigger drops formed, making an even bigger mess as they fell. It was such a pretty color as it flowed from my body; I couldn't tear my eyes away.

It was mesmerizing. I watched until the blood stopped flowing. In all, it only took a couple minutes, but to me it felt like hours. After cleaning up the mess and washing the knife off, I walked to my class. I got there just in time, and slid into my desk just as the teacher walked in.

The ache was gone now; the pain was almost non-existent, but I felt colder and number. I couldn't decide which I liked better: aching all the time, or being cold and numb. I didn't listen to any of my lessons as the day passed. The hustle and bustle swarmed around me, but time seemed to be leaving me behind. Was it?

_Was even time leaving me behind? _

I expected a throb to come from my heart, but I felt nothing. I felt like I should curl under a blank by a fire, I was so cold, but somewhere in my mind, I knew that it wouldn't help at all.

I shivered when I saw Kimi, and this time I really did turn and run the other way. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, let alone try to keep up with her nonsense babble. Today was a half day, and I was happy to be leaving earlier than normal. Even though I was happy, and usually didn't mind walking home, time seemed to drag by.

Parked across our house was Usami's unmistakable red sports car. _What a waste of money! If I was ever with him, I would make sure he spent money on more important and useful things…_

I felt a jolt of pain run through my heart as I realized what I had thought. I guess not all the pain in my heart could be solved by physical pain. No, no, no that wasn't the point. I would never have Usami, so thoughts like that where at best pointless, at the least, hurtful. I felt a shudder go down my spine as a brush of cold swept over me.

I had the urge to throw up again, but I managed to suppress it. It made me wonder if I would eventually be able to control my body as well as I controlled my heart. Then again, I wasn't very good at controlling my heart, thus the pain that kept throbbing in it.

I unlocked the door and slowly walked in. Nii-chan was trying to make something in the kitchen for lunch, and Usami was on the couch sleeping like a log. Nii-chan was almost as bad a cook as Usami; the only difference was that Nii-chan managed to not explode anything.

Still, the food came out burnt and a little greasy. I knew if Usami was awake, he would be smiling and eat the food like he was at a 5 star restaurant. I on the other hand, just picked at the food, not wanting to ruin anymore taste buds.

"You don't have anything going on this weekend, right?" Nii-chan asked out of the blue.

I quirked an eyebrow and shook my head no.

"Good! Usami is going to take us on a trip to Osaka for your birthday present! Isn't that wonderful? So make sure you pack tonight!" His smile was so big, I thought his face was going to break.

I almost dropped chopsticks,but I caught myself. I couldn't believe I had forgotten my own birthday. But I suppose being so wrapped up in trying not to feel anything, it had slipped my mind.

I wanted to get out of the trip, but I couldn't figure out how without seeming weird. Plus Nii-chan looked so excited that I couldn't say anything. Besides, Usami was doing this for me! I felt a little warmth spread through my body at the thought that Usami had remembered, and was doing something like this- for me!

Even though that was racing through my head, I knew the only thing keeping me sane at that moment was the fact I didn't have to watch them together. It hurt just knowing they were together, but seeing it was worse.

I involuntary reached up to touch my arm and I rubbed at it a little. A stinging pain rushed through me like a drug and I felt better almost immediately. The pain pushed out any of the warmth and hope I was feeling. While I was in dream land, Nii-chan had woken up Usami, and they were getting the car ready so we could leave on 'our' trip.

This was going to be a _very_ long weekend.

**Please R & R**

**If anyone has any suggestions or advice they want to offer that would be really helpful**

**It would be really helpful for any type of advice or criticism; this is only my second story so I'm not really sure how to make the story come out as I want it to. **

**I want to thank my new editor Ravenstar-of-ShadowClan and everyone else that has reviewed because it really makes me happy to know others like my story****. ****THANK YOU! : )**


	5. Chapter 5

**NEXT CHAPTER, ENJOY**

**aem81197**** – I wanted to thank you for your review. Out of all my reviews yours really stood out, I can't figure out why but it did. So this chapter is dedicated to you, thanks. : )**

* * *

><p>After getting all our stuff to somehow fit in the small car, we all climbed in. The drive was long and really uncomfortable since I had to sit in the back of the sports car, which was only meant for luggage or small children-not an 18 year old boy.<p>

We pulled up to the Onsen that we would be staying at for the next three days and two nights. It was really fancy, but I expected nothing less from Usami. We were given our keys, and thankfully I was given my own room. It was right next door to theirs, but the walls had to be thicker than the ones at home.

Nii-chan wanted to go shopping even though it was nearly 4 in the afternoon. He dragged us out of the hotel and onto the street. I walked three steps behind them, not wanting to be a third wheel.

Usami reached over and grabbed Nii-chan's hand. Nii-chan intertwined their fingers, and I felt my heart give a painful squeeze. I looked away from the beautiful and heartbreaking scene. It seemed to hurt even more than it did before and it took all I had to not break down there.

It must have been punishment for not feeling the pain for a while. It was around the same time I started to crave something. What I was craving, I couldn't tell, but I _wanted_ it. It felt a little uncomfortable, but I brushed it off, thinking it wasn't important.

I tried to avoid looking at the couple in front of me, but try as I might, I still had to look every once in a while. Every time I did, a shot of pain would go through my heart. The longer the day went on, the more the craving became harder and harder to ignore.

I didn't know what it was that I wanted, so I ignored it. By the time Nii-chan was off his shopping high, it was dark out, so we went back to the hotel. They wanted to take a bath in the hot springs, but, not wanting to watch them, I declined their offer to join.

I went to my room, the craving growing stronger with each step. I still ignored it, and started to read one of the books I had brought with me. It wasn't long before I could hear the two boys come back from there hot spring endeavor.

There was a lot of bumping, then silence. I decided to unpack because the book was annoying me with its gushy love-centric plot. Pulling out my jeans first, the heavy knife, that I had forgotten to take out, fell out of the pocket.

It crashed to the floor with a loud bang. I looked at it and my craving flared up again. As I stared it was like something clicked into my mind.

'_Disgusting' _

I rushed outside and threw up everything I ate that day into the bushes. I wanted to laugh; it was disgusting that I wanted- that I _craved-_ something like that. I knew it was wrong. I wiped my mouth with some napkins I had in my pocket from lunch that day.

I walked inside and picked up the knife. As I was opening it I pulled up the sleeve of my long-sleeved shirt. I carved a heart on the inside of my wrist with the tip of the blade. The blood oozed out of the broken skin. It almost looked like the pretty red was coloring the heart in.

Looking at it seemed to make my anger rise, and I wasn't able to contain it. I jerked the knife over the skin repeatedly, almost like I was scribbling over the heart. Now it looked like I felt- completely and horribly ugly.

The rushed jerks of the blade cut deeper than the softer one from before and more blood dripped out of the ugly marks. I turned my wrist to the side, and watched it drip onto the hard wood floor.

Not even trying to hide my amusement this time, I started laughing hysterically but that soon turned in to wails and sobs. I deserved it, more than anything else, I deserved the pain—both what I felt and what I created.

As if the universe was agreeing with me, I started to hear moans come through the wall. There was a creak and a thump. Quicker than I thought I could move, I was on my feet and running out of the room. I didn't stop running until I thought I was going to collapse.

My lungs burned, and my arm hurt, but it didn't matter. In front of me, there seemed to be some kind of fair going on. I remember overhearing a conversation that Nii-chan and Usami saying something about coming to see the fireworks tomorrow night but I couldn't be too sure. I wasn't included in that discussion. It was late, and a little frosty, but there were still a lot of people walking around. I pulled down the forgotten sleeve and tried to calm my racing heart. I felt the cloth stick to the still open wound but I didn't care.

There were a lot of booths set up, and having nothing else to do, not wanting to go back to my room, I walked down the aisles, looking at the booths. Nothing really caught my attention, until I saw a tarot card stand.

"Would you like to have your cards read?" an elderly lady with white hair asked.

In response, I put down the right amount of money and sat across from her. She smiled brightly at me, but I didn't have enough energy to smile back. After shuffling the cards, she laid the first one down.

The first card had four people on the front, and the word LOVERS written in black ink at the top. I felt cold for a moment before it passed, but I was sure it would have hurt if not for what I did before.

"You have someone whom you love very much; however, it is very complicated..." she said in no more than a whisper.

The next card was a man in a chariot with two horses pulling him. Written above him were the words THE CHARIOT.

"So much anger and frustration has collected in your heart..." She spoke, but didn't look up at me.

The next card was a dark figure with the words THE HERMIT in even darker black ink.

"So cold... so lonely... so much sadness and fear mixed with the hatred harbored in your heart..." Her eyes were almost closed.

The next card was of a man and a lion, with the word STRENGTH. This one surprised me.

"And yet...Even with so many strong, negative emotions... there is so much strength in you..." Her voice seemed even lower, and I was sure her eyes were completely closed now.

The last card was drawn and her eyes snapped opened. They widened, and she stared at me intently, like I was about to jump her or something. She laid down the card. It was almost completely black with a white skull in the middle; at the bottom it said DEATH in bright white letters.

I stared at the card, wondering what it could mean. I looked at her, worried for a moment, but she just smiled at me and I felt a like bit relived

"Change will be coming soon" I felt a little excited. She didn't say it would be a good change, but any change was better than none right?

I thanked her and left. As I walked away, my head swam with the thought of change. They weren't real; they were just playing cards. It probably didn't matter anyway.

Pushing the cards out of my mind, I walked back to the hotel. I poked my head into my room; I was relieved when I didn't hear anything. Collapsing onto the bed, I fell in to a blissful, dreamless sleep.

**PLEASE R & R**

**If anyone has any advice or suggestion for the story that would be very helpful**

**I want to thank my editor Ravenstar-of-ShadowClan and everyone else that has reviewed because it really makes me happy to know others like my story. THANK YOU! : )**


	6. Chapter 6

**NEXT CHAPTER ENJOY**

**DarkRoseTears – I wanted to thank you. You really helped me to develop my ideas into something that would make sense. Also you helped me with new ideas and to know what to write. THANK YOU SO MUCH! This chapter is dedicated to you! : D**

**Everlasting Snow Princess – I wanted to thank you for your review! It was the best out of all the reviews I got and I wanted you to know that I really appreciated it. So THANK YOU! : )**

I awoke to someone shaking me. It wasn't hard enough to hurt, but I still flinched, not used to physical contact anymore. My eyes snapped open, green meeting dark blue. Nii-chan, seeing that I was awake, smiled happily and nearly bounced out of my room, yelling something about getting ready.

I pulled on some clothes. I felt really dirty since I didn't take a bath yesterday; the clean clothes seemed to help. I grabbed my favorite blue beanie to cover my greasy hair. It only took 5 minutes to get ready, but Nii-chan scolded me like it was somehow my fault that we were going to be late to where ever we were going.

Nii-chan refused to tell us where we were going. We had no choice but to follow him out the door. We walked for a while before we came to a really long line of people.

"See, that's why I wanted to get here earlier!" Nii-chan said with a little stomp of his foot. Then he went to stand in the line.

I rolled my eyes at how childish he was being. Usami must have thought it was amusing because he chuckled. He walked over to Nii-chan and kissed him on the nose. I looked away, unable to stand watching. After a few minutes Usami started talking, so I thought it would be safe to look.

The sight was heartbreaking. Another part of my heart broke off. Usami had his arms wrapped around Nii-chan. They were pressed so hard against each other, I wasn't sure where one started and where the other ended; their lips where only a centimeter apart. The worst part was that I thought they looked good like that.

Tears stung my eyes, and I had to urge to vomit again. Only that fact that they were right in front of me, kept me from either crying or throwing up. I pressed the knife, which was still in my hoodie pocket, hard against my stomach.

'_Just a little longer...' _

The thought comforted me enough that I managed to dry the tears. It was still disgusting, how much I wanted it- craved it- but I was far from caring at this point. I was snapped back into the real world when Usami asked where we were.

"Don't you know? This is the third biggest art museum in the whole world! They only give out a certain number of tickets to go in; that's why I wanted to get here earlier…" Nii-chan kept whining, but I tuned him out, not really caring.

I wasn't interested in art, but Nii-chan was an enthusiast. The line wasn't going to be moving any time soon, so I pulled out a book which I had had enough foresight to bring with me. An hour passed. The book was a little too slap-happy for me, but with nothing else to do, I kept reading.

Finally, the line started to move. We were the last ones to get tickets, and I felt bad for those behind me. The pressure, that I had been able to ignore until now, reached its breaking point. I excused myself from the lovebirds, saying something about wanting to walk around alone. Usami shot me a grateful look, like he was glad I was leaving. My heart squeezed hard, and my body began to shake.

The tears pooled in my eyes and stuck to my eye lashes in large clumps. I rushed to the nearest bathroom before I could break down in front of everyone. Something must have been working for me, because the bathroom was empty. I opened one of the stalls and walked in. The door fell closed with a slam. Not even caring about what to draw, I slashed the knife over the skin, over and over again.

I had done it harder than I had meant to; the blood poured out of the wound in large amounts. The pain shot up my arm and relief crashed through my entire system. The pain in my chest dulled to a bearable level.

The blood flowed off my arm and down the sides of my wrist. I grabbed some toilet paper to catch the drops and held it over the cut until it stopped bleeding. Feeling better, I walked out to look at the so called 'art.'

Around 1, Nii-chan found me and we went to get something to eat. Not being able to agree on anything, we ended up back at the hotel. Nii-chan and Usami went to order room service in their room, and I went to take a much- needed bath instead. I didn't want to throw up the food and waste money.

The bath was empty; most people here took baths in the morning or at night. The water was nice, but it stung my hurt arm. It was a little awkward keeping it out of the water, but I managed. It wasn't pretty. The cuts, scratches, scraps, drawings, and carvings nearly covered my whole forearm in random, bright red marks.

Realizing I had lost myself in thought and stayed too long, I hurried to get out. After getting dressed, I walked out of the bathroom, still rubbing my wet hair. Nii-chan said that he wanted to leave at 5 to go to the fair, which Usami arranged. I still had two hours to mess around and to prepare myself for hanging out with them.

I finished my book, even though it wasn't very good. I didn't have anything else to do. Nii-chan walked in, without knocking, and scared the crap out of me. I jumped a foot in the air and fell off the chair I was sitting on.

"How do I look?" he did a little spin with a girlish giggle, showing off his kimono.

Usami walked in wearing one also. He offered me one to be polite, but I chose to stay in my jeans. The fair was boring, considering I had already been there. Nothing had changed; the booths where still lined up, and people were crowding to buy the useless crap.

Several hours later, and more than a reasonable share of things bought, night time fell. We walked to a little clearing that was a little bit away from everyone. Nii-chan laid down a blanket that they just bought. Both of them sat down, but I chose to just sit on the grass, not really caring if I got my clothes dirty.

The first fire cracker went off, and the sky was filled with color. The next one went off, over and over again. The colors mixed together in a beautiful array. With the colors and the lights, everything seemed to be just perfect. A feeling of peace washed over me for the first time in a while. The universe must like screwing with me, because it wouldn't even let me have that one moment.

The fire work show was coming to a close when a really big one went off and spelled out the words:

_Takahiro, will you marry me?_

My heart leapt into my throat, and I slowly turned to the love birds. Nii-chan was looking at Usami. Usami grabbed Nii-chan's hands and pulled him up so they were both standing. Then he knelt on to his knees, holding one of Nii-chan's hands.

"You are the light of my life, my muse, my soul, my everything. The first time I saw you, I knew that we would be together forever. So straight from my mouth to god's ears I love you. So will you take my heart and marry me?" Usami pulled out a silver ring with a band of diamonds around the middle.

'_No! Please, say no!' _I begged Nii-chan in my head, but he didn't even look at me.

"Of course!" he cried, and jumped on Usami; they kissed

A flash of fire went through me. It was filled with jealousy, bitterness, sorrow, and above all anger but just like lightning it was gone. That was it; there was nothing left. The final part of my heart broke into little pieces; the little candle in my core, which I had been working so hard to keep alive, guttered out and the wax stalk iced over. I thought I knew pain and heart break before; it was nothing compared to what I felt now.

Every fiber in my being seemed to snap, like cables breaking one by one. Everything blurred, and I knew I was crying silently; tears that would go unnoticed by everyone. I felt completely and utterly dead. I fought to hold on to my consciousness. When we packed up to leave, I felt like a robot on autopilot.

I managed to make it to the hotel before the darkness crept over me, shattering the very last part of my soul as it over took me.

**PLEASE R & R**

**If anyone has any advice or suggestion for the story that would be very helpful**

**I want to thank my editor Ravenstar-of-ShadowClan for helping me and doing another wonderful job of making my messy writing into a readable story.**

**Also I want to thank those that are reviewing and reading my story because without you there really would be no need to write. THANK YOU! : )**


	7. Chapter 7

**Next chapter, enjoy**

**Sorry about the delay**

**Damons-hot-as-hell: this chapters dedicated to you because your awesome! : D**

When I awoke, everything was fuzzy. I blinked my eyes to clear it. Sitting up, I realized I was in my room at the hotel. It was then that everything came crashing down on me.

Nii-chan and Usami where getting married. Somehow, I had kept a little shadow of hope that I had a chance, but this totally crushed everything. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. The marriage finalized it, snuffing out any last feelings I had.

I rolled over and to try to go back to sleep. My whole body ached and I really, really wanted to scream. Scream everything, tell everyone what I was feeling, and then cry my eyes out. That would never happen- I knew better. I wouldn't cry this time. I would take this to the grave and that was it.

Somewhere in my mind, I knew I was laughing almost hysterically with no explanation, but for some reason I couldn't stop. Soon my laughing died down, and I realized how crazy I must seem. I drifted into a wonderful sleep. I was awaked by Nii-chan calling my name, saying it was time to go.

I got ready; looking in the mirror, I couldn't even recognize myself. My eyes were blood shot from crying; deep bags under them gave away how much sleep I was really getting. My skin was deathly pale, and I was nothing but bones from the lack of food I had been able to keep down. I looked over to Nii-chan, who was packing things up while humming. Did he really not notice?

'_Was I really that invisible?'_

We finished getting our stuff and walked to the car. I ideally thought about feeding my addiction before we left, but I was really too tired to want to. All I wanted to do right now was close my eyes and never open them again.

The cramped space, that had seemed unbearable before, seemed just perfect now. The small space curled around me and a feeling of safety swept over me and for that I was thankful. Pulling out my iPod, I put the head phones in and turned it up so where I could barely hear if the two in front wanted to talk.

About an hour in, I was half awake and half asleep. I heard Nii-chan talking but I really didn't care enough to try and listen. I heard my name and it peaked my interest. I turned down the volume of my music and eavesdropped.

"I was really surprised that you proposed, especially because this trip was meant for Misaki."

"For Misaki?" came Usami's confused reply.

"Yea, wasn't this trip an earlier birthday present for him?" now Nii-chan was confused too.

"No, I honestly forgot that his birthday was coming up." Usami said.

Nii-chan was frowning, I could tell by his sigh, and then all went silent. There went the small amount of happiness that I had managed to gather. I knew it was too good to be true, that Usami would do something this special for me. I berated myself for believing something so stupid. There was no reason for him to show trash like me an ounce of attention. I felt tears pool under my closed lids and then onto my lashes. The lashes, thankful stopped them from falling. Turning my music back up, I fell back asleep.

Unfortunately, if he would have listen for just a second longer he would have heard Usami and his brother arguing over how to make it up to him. He would have heard how bad Usami felt for forgetting and his brothers embarrassment over telling him that Usami I had done this for him. He would also have seen his brother's anger at Usami for forgetting. But he didn't, he stayed unaware only thinking about how he didn't deserve anything because he was trash!

For Misaki, sleep really was a wonderful thing. Everything disappeared and life seemed to pass in a second. The time flies by and I didn't have to worry about anything. The car stopped and the halt of the purring engine was enough to wake me. We were finally home and I don't think I've ever been happier to see a building.

I hurried to grab my things and rush to my room, not wanting to spend a second more than I had to with the two fiancés. Once in my room, I dug through my bag to find my knife. It didn't take long to find it. I grabbed it and pulled off my hoodie. I pressed the open knife to the skin right next to my elbow and pulled the blade in harsh, jerky movements.

The skin ripped open immediately and blood poured out in a great supply. As the blood rushed out, pain rushed in. It filled my entire body, but somehow seemed different from before… like it wasn't enough. The relief didn't swamp me and I felt disappointed and panicked.

I cleaned the mess I made and then bandaged the wound. I had cut deeper than I had meant to. After that I went back to sleep. School came the next day but I feigned sickness and Nii-chan believed me since I had fainted yesterday. I couldn't bring myself to eat anything though. My stomach lurched at even the thought of food.

I slept, all day, but then I still felt unbearably sleepy. I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed and frankly I didn't care enough to try harder; it seemed really pointless. Finally on the third day, I knew I had to get something to eat. I made some toast; supposedly it was good for the stomach. While it was toasting, Nii-chan bounced down the stairs with Usami following behind.

I didn't even bother to look up, I hoped that they would just ignore me but I guess things just didn't like working for me.

"Oh Misaki, I'm glad you awake. I wanted to ask you which do you think is better: Sweden or Spain? Isn't there also some states in America? Or Canada." he babbled on but I didn't care enough to try to understand.

"What are you talking about?" I grunted out. My throat was sore from lack of liquids.

"Our marriage, silly." I froze as all the thoughts and emotions I had been trying to keep in flooding through my body.

Every emotion came tenfold through my body and I couldn't decide on one. My eyes watered from the pain in my heart, but at the same time I wanted to laugh at how stupid I was. Then I want to throw up because of how disgusting it was to have this pain. All the feelings ripped me apart, from the inside out and I knew I had to get out of there before I really broke down.

Finally my body and mind decided on one emotion – pain. The agonizing pain slowly trailed up my body, almost like it was devouring me. It started from the bottom of my feet, went up my legs, through my chest to engulf my heart, up my neck, then through my brain. It was like slow torched, burning torched.

Not bothering to butter my toast, I grabbed it and rushed to my room. I forced the food down, managing to keep it there and not throw it up. I could feel my smashed heart and soul crumble into even smaller pieces. I curled into a ball and cried myself to sleep.

'_Would it ever end, would it ever be over?'_

* * *

><p>15 days, 10 hours, 20 minutes, and 45…46…47 seconds had passed since the day of the fireworks.<p>

Even under heartbreak and despair, time moved on. You either had to move with it or be left in the past, and if you were left behind, it wouldn't be only time leaving you. Everyone moved on, and I forced myself to move with them.

Even though I moved with them, I somehow felt different, empty. Everything…. everything didn't matter anymore. Besides the burning pain that seemed never ending, I felt nothing.

When I went to school after missing three days, I got a harsh lecture yelled at me from the demonic teacher and several books thrown at my head. I still think he has a grudge against me, even though all I did was miss a couple days of school.

Also for some reason, even though he never included me in anything in his life, Nii-chan thought it was the best idea for me to know every detail of his upcoming wedding. I guess he didn't have anyone else to do it with.

I knew if my candle was still alive it would have gotten smaller, but now my chest just became colder; the walls of ice climbing higher and higher. I found it kind of amusing, though, even though I knew that was crazy. It was amusing how ironic this was: I was helping plan the love of my life's wedding to my brother. I helped pick the colors and the cake; I was there for the tux fittings for the both of them, and the choosing of the location.

Slowly, I was dying inside. Everything incinerating and becoming nothing but ash. I couldn't see how things could get worse, even though logically I knew it would once they were married for real. My addiction wasn't giving me relief anymore and the pressure was building up.

I still tried, over and over and deeper and deeper, but it didn't work. Nothing worked. My anger, my hurt, my bitterness were all built up. I knew it wouldn't be long before the dam broke and I was sucked into the black hole that my heart had become.

I didn't fight it, I wouldn't fight it. The darkness would welcome me. I knew with every passing day, every minute that passed, I was edging closer. My heart was closing and it wouldn't ever open again.

Every second brought me closer – tick, tick, tick…

**PLEASE R & R**

**Ravenstar: I would like to apologize to all the readers for the delay; it is all my fault. I had a week from hell, and just couldn't or didn't get to editing this. Rosey sent it over a week ago, IT IS NOT HER FAULT. Mi disipace molto, Mne ochen' zhal', Jeg er veldig lei, Tut mir sehr leid, As esu labia gaila! (For those who care, that's Italian, Russian, Norwegian, German, and Lithuanian.)**

**I want to thank my editor, and even though she was late, this story would be nothing without her. **

**Again thanks to all the readers and reviews, it really means a lot to me when someone reviews. Also if anyone has any suggestions or advice that would be really helpful.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Next chapter, enjoy  
>Sorry it's late<strong>

**ThouShaltLaugh – This Chapter's dedicated to you for being my 50****th**** reviewer. (Also for being awesome)**

The days passed slowly, or it might have just seemed that way. It was like everything was in slow motion for me, but for Nii-chan, it was on fast forward. The wedding was in two weeks, and they were leaving in one.

They had finally decided on some state in America that I didn't care enough to know which one. I amazed myself with how calm I was being. Maybe it was because I already decided what I was going to do. With every day that passed, I could feel everyone getting farther and farther away, until the gap was too wide cross.

I would have given anything to stand with them in the light, but I knew I didn't belong there. I would infect their light, ruin it. I wish I could go back, back before everything. Go back to a time when I still believed in beauty, and if you wished hard enough, it would come true. I realize now that life wasn't a dream.

My brother and Usami took my dream, my innocence, and trampled all over it. That was not even the worst part. The worst part is they did all that without even knowing it, and because of that I can't even feel angry with them. But I do feel angry—one of the few emotions I can feel—with them. I understand why: I don't belong with them. I am a blemish in there perfect life.

_I don't deserve to live._

It was late now, or early, depending. I had just gotten back from the diner, but I couldn't fall asleep. I tried, but every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was Nii-chan walking down the aisle, with Usami waiting for him.

The image was not a pleasant one, and it almost sent me running to throw up every time I see it. Finally, frustrated and annoyed, I threw the blankets off and got out of bed. Blood rushed to my head, making me dizzy, and I almost fell over. I went over to my desk and sat down.

The sun was just beginning to peek over the horizon. The little bit of light it gave off was enough for me to see what I was doing. Making an impulsive decision, I pulled out paper and a pen. At first I just stared at the paper, not knowing what to write. The ink bled through the paper, creating a nasty blob of blue. I grabbed a new piece of paper, and began to write.

Once I started, the words just started to flow out of me. Everything that I had been feeling, all the pain, the suffering, and spite that I had been feeling came out onto the paper. After I was finished, I climbed back into bed. I closed my eyes. Feeling like a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders, I went to sleep.

I was woken two hours later by my alarm. I was half tempted to throw the stupid thing at the wall, but decided against it. I got up and got ready for school. Once I was ready, I walked down stairs. Nii-chan was hunched over fabric swatches with Usami passed out next to him. I didn't even bother to give them a glance as I made myself some toast.

After I had eaten, I grabbed my bag and left without a word. I was oddly excited for once: I would be free today. School passed as it always does, idiotic students and annoying teachers. Soon school was over, and I was walking home. Once home, I sat on the couch with a bag of chips, turned on the TV, and found my favorite anime.

After a little while, Usami came and sat down next to me. I felt my whole body react to him, but I made sure he didn't notice anything. He had this look of distain, glaring at the TV, which was so cute. I knew that he didn't like anime. It was nice, like a parting gift, and for once I felt a shred of happiness.

I would have been content to sit there forever, but Usami had to get up and get ready. He was taking Nii-chan to a fancy restaurant to celebrate their engagement with some friends; naturally, I wasn't invited. They wouldn't be back until late, but just for tonight that would be okay. I waved goodbye to them as they left, but I doubt they even noticed. I didn't mind.

Not even 10 minutes after they left, I pulled on my own shoes and walked to the diner that I had spent so many nights at. It was as quiet as ever, with only a couple in jogging outfits sitting at a booth. I chatted with the waiter for a little while, relishing in the feeling of talking to someone. The sun went down and I checked my watch. If I wanted to get done what I wanted, then I needed to head home.

I said my goodbye, paid for the little food I had eaten and went home. It was time and I knew it. I walked through the house one last time, taking it in. Lastly, I walked up the stairs, which seemed to talk a life time, and entered the bathroom where I had set everything up earlier. I turned the water on to fill the bath. While it filled, I pulled out the letter I had written the night before.

Smoothing out the edges, I laid it on the counter. My eyes involuntarily scanned over my messy writing.

_Dear Nii-chan, _

_I knew ever since, I was little that I would always be alone. What I have done is unforgivable, and no one would ever want someone so revolting, but I never thought that it would be so clear that I didn't belong. It's true; I don't belong in your light…in your life. I never have and I never will._

_Knowing this, I can't allow myself to be a burden to you and Usami. I know if I said this to you, you would say that I wasn't a burden, but I can't help but wonder how long that would have lasted. How long would it have taken you to realize that I'm nothing but trash? I will save you the trouble, and just take myself out of the picture. I am so lonely, and so hurt… I can't keep doing this. I once read somewhere: Not everyone alive is living. At first I didn't understand what that meant. Now, I do. _

_I'm sorry if this causes you pain, even though I doubt you'll even notice I'm gone. This is my decision, my way of coping with the problems I have. I guess it was bound to happen this way. I hope you'll cry for me but I'll understand if you don't._

_Your little brother,_

_Misaki_

I didn't want to hurt my brother, but at the same time, in some twisted way, I did. I wanted him to think it was his fault, but it really wasn't his fault—it was mine. Next, I pulled out a bottle of sleeping pills. They were a prescription that Nii-chan had gotten before he met Usami. I poured as many as I could into my hand and set the bottle down.

I shoved all of them into my mouth and swallowed. Turning around, I walked to the bath and turned off the water. I slipped into the blazing water—it burned my skin, but with the pills taking effect I could hardly feel it. My eyes began to blur, but I knew that the pills alone would not be enough to do the job. Next, I pulled out the my trusty pocket knife. It was the only thing that knew all the pain and suffering that I had gone through, it was my one and only companion

The metal glinted with the water that had splashed out of the tub, like it was daring me to use it. For a moment I paused, making sure this was what I wanted. I brought the knife down on my left wrist, dragging it across it as hard as I could. I sliced right through the artery.

The knife switched hands, and I did the same thing to my right wrist. I could faintly see the clear water turning a calming pink color, but my eye—sight was leaving me. The blackness came closer and closer. I wanted it more then I had ever wanted anything.

I heard voices and would have laughed at the thought if I could. It was too late, _they_ were too late. With all my strength, I opened one eye. I could see a frantic Usami standing over me. I tried to smile at him. I was so happy; Usami had given me one last thing.

I closed my eyes and drifted in to bliss darkness.

**PLEASE R & R**

**I want to thank my editor, shes amazing and I couldn't ask for a better beta! **

**Again thanks to all the readers and reviews, it really means a lot to me when someone reviews. Also if anyone has any suggestions or advice that would be really helpful. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Next chapter, enjoy**

**I'm really sorry this is late, please forgive me! It's my fault and I'll try to be on time next time! **

**zeke899 - thabk you for your reveiws, i really appreicate them. This chapter is dedicated to you, so i hope you continue to read and reveiw! : )**

Usami pov.

The night was going well—no perfect. Everything was perfect. The night was young, and I was with my beloved Takahiro. We were out to celebrate our engagement.

'_Engagement.'_

Every time I thought or heard that word, I wanted to jump with joy, not that I ever would. We had already gone to see a movie, and now we were going to different bars with some of Takahiro's work mates. I was half tipsy and Takahiro even more so. Being half-drunk, he didn't even spare a thought for what he was talking about.

"I'm telling you, Usagi, something is wrong with that boy." He hiccupped and almost fell off his stool.

"Which boy?" I asked sweetly trying to not make him mad.

"Misaki, something's wrong." he tried to slap me on the arm, but missed miserably and slumped against the counter.

Deciding that Takahiro had drunken his fair share already, I pulled him out of the bar and to the car. He was rambling on about something but it was too slurred for me to try and understand.

"Oh, I think I'm going to be sick." he groaned and I started to panic.

"Not in the car, anywhere but the car!" I tried to be nice but I really didn't want to replace the leather.

I tried to hurry up and get home so he wouldn't ruin the car. The moment I stopped the car Takahiro fell out of the car and threw up on the ground. When I thought he was finished, I went around to help him up.

"Do you still feel sick?" I asked, rubbing comforting circles on his back. He shook his head but didn't say anything.

He stood on his own again, looking a little more sober. The walk up the stairs and to the front door was still an adventure. Finally, we got are balance and made it to the front door.

Takahiro was the first to notice something was wrong. The first thing was all the lights, besides the bathroom light, were off. Usually Misaki left one on if he knew that we were coming home. Also, the bathroom light was on, which was weird. Even though the light was on, there was no sound coming from inside the room. I couldn't imagine Misaki leaving the light on, if he wasn't in there.

It was odd and everything seemed out of place. The atmosphere was thick, and the air was damp with something I just could not put my finger on.

"Usagi, I'm going to check on Misaki." Takahiro said in a whisper, as if he was trying not to break the silence. I just nodded.

He rushed up the stairs and knocked on the closed door of the bathroom. After a few moments of silence he knocked again. Again silence, I could see Takahiro try a figure out if he should go in or just leave it alone.

I walk up the stairs feeling slightly tried and just wanting to go to bed. I reached the top of the stairs and was about to walk to our room when I heard a scream.

_Takahiro's scream_

I turned back to see Takahiro stumbling backward out of the bathroom. His face was deathly pale as if he had seen a ghost. As he stumbled backwards he tripped and fell on to his butt, his eyes locked on to something unseen in the bathroom. I rushed over to him really worried. My eyes shifted from him, over into the bathroom.

I almost screamed as well. I can say with all certainly that this was the most horrific thing I have ever seen. Blood was everywhere, on the wall, on the floor, on _Misaki._

The boy was lying in liquid more blood than water. One arm was thrown over himself, dripping blood from his wrist onto his face. The other hand was over the tub and laying on the edge, dripping blood on to the floor.

Shock, pain, fear and guilt rushed in like a tidal wave.

All these emotions were soon replaced by adrenaline as I forgot about Takahiro and went to Misaki. I was able to push every thought away except 'how do I help Misaki?'

"Call an ambulance, now!" I snapped at the still shell shocked Takahiro.

He scrambled to do what I said, grateful that he could do something besides just sit there. I went to Misaki half scared that if I checked for a pulse, I wouldn't find one. Thankfully, Misaki, hearing the commotion open his eyes and stared at me.

I felt relief swamp me, glad that he was still alive. His eyes raced over me and something changed in his expression. Then he smiled; it was the creepiest thing I have ever seen. In that smile I could see a mix of thankfulness, gratefulness and finality. Then his eyes closed again. I had never wanted to see the color green so badly. I almost started to panic again, but forced myself to stay calm. I needed to stay calm; nothing good would come out of me freaking out. I leaned over, not caring if I got wet, and pulled him out of the water.

I laid him down on the ground with his head in my lap. I grabbed some towels and wrapped them around his wrists, trying to stop the bleeding. I heard giggling and looked down to see Misaki looking up at me. That eerie smile came onto his face, his face showed his amusement and that made everything worse. His eyes told me everything; they told me what he wanted to say to me, what he was thinking. Four words:

'_It was too late.'_

His smile faltered, and his eye lids seemed to become too heavy for the boy to keep them open. They fluttered closed, and a small content smile graced his lips. This time I really did panic. I searched franticly for a pulse but I couldn't find one.

Someone shoved me aside and I looked up to see the EMT people coming in. I tried to move out of the way, but was pushed up against the still-bloody water-filled tub. I couldn't move but I really didn't want to see them working on Misaki.

The men seemed to be panicking, which made me worry even more. They were shouting at each other and things were moving so fast that I couldn't understand what was happening.

"He's gone into Cardiac Arrest!" one of the men shouted.

They pulled out the pads that shocked people, defibrillators, and put them to his chest.

"Clear!" another man shouted.

Misaki's chest bounced up at the shock and I had to look away for fear that I would cry. More movement made me turn to look at Misaki again.

"Change it to 200 volts!" they tried again, and this time I couldn't look away.

Tears pooled in my eyes as they checked again for his pulse. The few moments felt like hours before they finally spoke.

"His heart is beating again. Come on; let's get him to the hospital." The man who had been saying clear said relief evident in his voice but he still sound anxious.

I knew he still wasn't out of the woods, but I was so happy that they got his heart started again. I could hear the sirens getting farther away as they rushed to save his life. I got out of there as soon as I could, not wanting to see the blood-covered room anymore. I walked into the living room, and found Takahiro, who was sitting on the couch, sobbing.

I felt my heart break again. I tried to comfort him, but he just pushed me away, making me want to cry even more. I didn't blame him for pushing me away; it wasn't even my little brother and I was shaken. The adrenaline was leaving my body and everything else began to set in.

The true horror about what happened set in. Every emotion that I had managed to push away during the crisis came crashing back into me. Every image of the last hour rushed through my mind on a loop, and made me want to cry in pain. Misaki had tried to kill himself. Why would he do that? What could possible make him want to die?

_Misaki what happened?_

**Please R & R**

**I want to thank my editor, this story would not be possible without her!**

**Again thanks to all the readers and reviews, it really means a lot to me when someone reviews. Also if anyone has any suggestions or advice that would be really helpful. THANKS! : ) **


	10. Chapter 10

**Next chapter, enjoy**

**I'm really sorry this is late, forgive me**

It didn't take much to push Takahiro out the door and into the car. He was still really shaken up and refused to talk at all. The drive to the hospital was unbearable. What awaited us was not going to be good.

I found a parking space close to the hospital. Takahiro and I walked into the building hand and hand. I was annoyed that I had to let go of his hand to talk to the front desk but I did it anyway.

"Excuse me; a boy just came in here by ambulance. His name is Misaki Takahashi" I said to the lady she stared at me for a moment before she started clicking on her computer.

"Yes, he's currently in surgery. The doctors won't know more until he's out." This time it was my turn to stare at her. She gave me an irritated look and I realized that, that was all I was going to get so I walked back to Takahiro.

I sat next to my beloved and took his hand in mine. It was more to comfort me then Takahiro. Now that I had a chance to rest, all my thoughts caught up to me. Everything I thought made my body shake with terrible agony. I had to keep reminding myself that he was just alive, and that I couldn't think pessimistically about this.

I turned to Takahiro and tried to rub his back but he flinched away from me. That hurt too, but it was nothing compared to the other pain in my chest. I told him what the nurse told me about Misaki, but he didn't respond much. My worry took over the pain and I reached over again to comfort him but stopped myself. I was afraid to be pushed away again so I dropped my hand. I let him be.

It was late, and being slightly tipsy must have finally caught up with me, because the next thing I knew, I was being shaken awake. I opened my eyes to meet the bluish black eyes of my beloved. I was happy to see that the haze that had filled them when I fell asleep had cleared. He looked more or less normal.

"Usagi, wake up, the doctor's here." He whispered to me and I sat up.

My back popped as I straightened up. I almost groaned at how sore it was from sitting in the uncomfortable chairs. I ignored it and turned to look at the doctor. I hoped what he had to say would be something good.

"Well, the good news is that Takahashi-sanis alive." The doctor paused and both of us let out a sigh of relief. It was short lived.

"The bad news is that he's in a coma" the doctor continued and I felt my heart drop. I heard Takahiro gasp and then lean on me. I put my arm around him for support and was glad that he didn't push me away this time.

"What?" I hissed at the doctor hoping that there had been some sort of mistake.

"Not only did the boy lose a severe amount of blood, he had also take a large amount of Eszopiclone*, a sleeping pill. Both of these combined and stopped his heart, several times. We were able to get his heart started again but he never woke up." The doctor didn't look finished but he stopped for a moment.

I looked to Takahiro and I felt even worse than before. I couldn't stand to see him hurt; now he was in more pain than ever and I was helpless.

"We don't know when or if he will ever wake up. If he does wake up, we're not sure if he will have any brain damage from lack of blood reaching his brain. I'm sorry that we couldn't do more for him and I hope he wakes soon. You can go visit him soon; a nurse will come and get you when you're ready." With that the doctor squired away. (What? I didn't even know this was a word. What were you trying to say?)

The moment we were alone, Takahiro broke down crying. I just watched as he crumpled to his knees and put his head in his hands; I couldn't do anything but watch. Even if I could have moved, I didn't know what I'd do.

I jumped when I felt my Beloved reach out for me and laid his head on my shoulder. When he had moved I wasn't sure but I knew that It wasn't the time to be asking stupid things like that. I rested my head on his shoulder and rubbed circles on his back. I to wanted to break down too, but I knew if Takahiro saw me that way, he would only feel more hopeless.

After a few moments Takahiro calmed down enough so that we could go see Misaki. I told the person out at the front desk and a nurse came out. She led us through the back room, and through many corridors.

The woman paused at a door and turned to us. I was almost afraid of what lay behind the closed door. I could see that Takahiro was having the same hesitation so I reached forward and opened the door. The door opened with a creek, and allowed us into a small room.

Everything was white, including the boy that lay motionless on the bed. Misaki looked more like a corpse than a living being, but the quiet beeping from the heart machine told me otherwise. He had so many tubes going in his body that I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.

The clothes that they dressed him in lay flat against his body showing how really thin he was, how small he had gotten since I'd met him. I felt sick; how could I have not noticed?

Takahiro broke down again and rushed to Misaki's side. He took the boys hand in his own and bent his head over his chest. I just watched; my heart breaking. I couldn't move, either it was the disgust at myself for not realizing or some other unknown feeling that froze me, I wasn't sure.

My eyes traveled down from his pale face to his arms. The once unblemished skin was now covered from wrist to elbow in layers of white cloth. I felt something wet on my cheek and realized I was crying. Looking around, I made sure that Takahiro wasn't watching, then quickly wiped away the tears and walked over to the crying man.

I pulled up a chair and sat down next to Takahiro. I lay a hand on his back to let him know I was there for him. I couldn't think of anything else to do. He turned to me and wrapped his hands in my shirt. I wrapped my other arm around him and let him cry on me.

Soon, the tears stopped. Although my arm had fallen asleep and my shoulder was sticky from tears, I held my baby all through the night. Even when Takahiro feel asleep, I didn't let go because I feared that I too would fall off a cliff into despair.

**I hope this chapter was okay, and as always if anyone has any suggestions or advice or question please contact me. **

**Thank you to everyone that has stuck with me on this story and i hope that i will be able to live up to your expectaions! : ) also thank you to my wonderful beta, without her this story would suck**


	11. Chapter 11

**Sorry this has taken so long to update and I hope it lives up to everyone standers because my editor has not be a part of this chapter so it probably is going to suck.**

**Chapter dedicated to Kuma Riddle xD for just being awesome.**

**Enjoy**

Takahiro pov.

10 days, it had been 10 days since I had seen the emerald, radiant green of my brother's eyes. 10 days he had been asleep and 10 days since he tried to kill himself.

Even just thinking those words made me have to hold back a sob, I couldn't even imagine what would cause Misaki to do something so….so….horrific.

He seemed fine. His grades were up, he had made some friends. I knew I hadn't been around as much but Misaki was a big boy and could take care of himself, or so I thought.

What had happened?

No, it was more like how could I have let this happen. Why didn't I see this happening?

When are parents died I made a promise to myself and all our other family members that wanted to take Misaki away, that I would protect him. I would be the best guardian he would ever want and that he would never suffer.

I failed.

I failed as a guardian, I failed as a friend and more than anything I failed as a brother. Why didn't he just come to me? He knew that I would never judge him for anything; after all I loved him more than anything. I could have helped him. Was I so untrustworthy that he had to choose _**this**_instead?

I had so many things I wanted to ask but I couldn't.

Misaki hadn't come out of his coma. The doctors said it was like his body and mind have given up. They told me that even with suicide victims' there was usually a will to live somewhere deep inside, a want to be saved but with Misaki it wasn't there. He was dying from the inside out. They gave him a 50/50 chance of living through this. It seemed like every time I went into his room there were more and more tubes attached to him.

It broke my heart to see him like this, to see him in that white room. Misaki looked like at any moment he would disappear from this world.

It frightened me.

Usagi was always trying his hardest to comfort me but I knew he had no idea what to do. He wasn't good at this sort of thing but I could bring myself to care and that made me feel even guiltier.

All I really cared about was that Misaki was in the hospital for trying to kill himself and I had no freaking clue as to why.

I went and saw him everyday hoping that by some miracle he would open those majestic eyes and smile at me. Than I would know he was okay, that he wasn't in danger anymore. That the three of us were going to be a family again because that was all I ever really wanted.

Usagi came with me; he would always hold my hand. He was sweet like that and it was one of the reasons that I fell in love with him, so kind and gentle. He did everything in his power to make me feel better, even when my coldness was hurting him.

I have nightmares that shake me to the very core about the day I found Misaki in the bathroom cover with his blood. It still made me sick; to think that well Usagi and I were messing around having fun Misaki was up stairs, all alone.

If only I had come home sooner, if only I had checked on Misaki right when we got home, if only I had noticed it building up to this point. If only I had gone with my gut when I thought something was wrong. If only I had paid more attention, all this could have been avoided.

He hadn't even left a note for me. Was I really that bad that I didn't deserve at least a parting Farwell?

(I'm going to have it be where Usagi took the note and never told takahiro because he thought it would hurt him more)

My next thought hit me like a bag of bricks – What if it really was my fault?

Was that the answer to my questions, did he not come to me because he couldn't?

Maybe he thought that I was leaving him behind. I had always spoiled him, maybe my lack of attention made him lonely. That still didn't seem like a reason to kill oneself, lots of people get lonely at one point or the other and yet they don't go to such extremes. Misaki was a sensitive person, he was always aware of the burden he was to others and that's why he was never selfish.

Did he think he was a burden to us?

If this really was the reason he did it, it really would be my fault.

I knew his personality better than anyone else; I should have known how this would affect him. I should have told him he wasn't a burden to us. I should have reassured him constantly that I, we would never leave him behind. We could never leave him behind.

It's all my fault

Even if I did tell him, would he believe me? To be honest I can't remember the last time we had a real conversation or the last time we cooked something together like we use to do. When was the last time we had done something, anything together?

I couldn't remember. I have been so busy lately. Dates with Usagi to hanging out with our friends to planning my wedding to work, it seemed like I had forgotten Misaki.

No, it didn't seem like I forgot him, I did forget him. I had forgotten about how sensitive he was and how much he needed someone around. I had rationalized with myself that he was 18 now and could take care of himself. There was only so much anyone could take; he was only human after all.

I was the worst

Putting my head into my hands I let out a huge sigh. How could I have done that to my own brother? No matter how busy I was I should have made time for him, there was no excuse.

"Hey, are you alright?" Usagi called to me from across the booth we were seated at, effectively snapping me out of my self-hate.

We had just went to see Misaki at the hospital, no change at all and the doctors all gave us these sympathetic looks that said 'you can keep hoping but we all know he's going to die' which just infuriated me more, and then had come to this hole in the wall café for lunch.

It was becoming a routine for us. The café was close to the hospital, had good food and was reasonably priced. My heart fluttered when I looked up into his concerned violet eyes, I really do love him.

"Yea, just thinking" I said with a smile

He gave me a sympathetic look but thankful saw I didn't want to talk about it and went back to his food. I made a resolve right there that if; when Misaki woke up I would do everything in my power to not make the same mistake twice.

But how was I going to do it?

I still had so much to do, if I could barely handle everything now without leaving something out then how was I going to do it now. Something had to change, something needed to be dropped and this time it wouldn't be Misaki.

I stared across the table at the man I loved. He felt my stare and looked up at me, his lavender eyes showing nothing but love and adoration. I smiled and this time it felt realer. Would he ever know how much he meant to me?

How much I loved him?

He was my pillar of strength, my knight in shining armor, he was my world and I didn't know where I would be without him here beside me right now. He was keeping me here; he was keeping me from crying for hours on end, my one beloved.

"You know I love you, right?" I asked

His eyes lit up like a kid in a candy stores eyes would and even more adoration filled them.

"And I love you"

I pushed everything into the back of my mind for later. Right now I was with my loved one and that was all that mattered. Everything that made me sad and sick could wait for later to think about but right now I was going to try and enjoy myself.

We didn't talk during the rest of lunch or on the ride back to the house but that was okay because it was like we didn't need to talk. There was no need for words and I was so content that I almost forgot about everything going on.

My senses came rushing back to me the moment I laid down to sleep. I wish with all might I could do back to the blissful evening without them, but I couldn't. The weight of everything crushed me with its demanding force.

What was I going to do?

Slipping out of bed, so as not to awake Usagi, I went to the office that was usually Usagi home away from home. Sitting down in the only chair I let out a big sigh. I needed to think things through. There was really only two big things in my life: Usagi and Misaki. I knew that when Misaki woke up he was going to need me more than anything, to be there to help him. That meant…

No

There had to be something else. All through the night and into the morning I went over it again and again but I came to the same conclusion every single time.

Usagi woke up on his own and when he came to find me he found me in the same position I had curled myself into when I made the decision that would change the rest of my life, knees to my chest and head in my hands.

"Are you okay?" he asked with concern seeping into his voice, I couldn't bear to look at him.

Pain raked my body but I knew it was nothing compared to what my one true love would be feeling in a moment. Knowing that made me want to cry more but I knew Usagi would never believe me if I started crying. Standing up, I faced him.

"Let's break up"

**Please Read and Review**

**Okay so I keep geting this question – why is it that the whole story its Usagi hates Misaki but now its Usagi doesn't hate Misaki but just doesn't understand him? **

**Here's the answer – the reason why is because it has been all in Misaki's point of view until now. Misaki truly believes Usagi hates him so we are lean to believe that also but when we flip over to Usagi's point of view we see that is not true. **

**About the suicide note, yes I am aware that there is one and this will be explained in a later chapter.**

**If anyone has any questions or concerns please feel free to contact me.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Alright Chapter 12 is here, sorry it took me so long**

All I could see was darkness, and for that moment all I could remember was darkness. There wasn't anything else; I couldn't help but wonder if this was what blind people felt like.

I couldn't hear; I couldn't move. I couldn't feel anything. The darkness swelled around me like a never ending cloud, wafting over me like the softest blanket that I had ever felt, protecting me.

I felt safe.

I never wanted to leave.

Suddenly, as if someone removed their fingers from of my ears, I could hear soft voices. They called to me, begged me to come back to them but I didn't want to. I was afraid of these voices and all I wanted to do was go back to the cocoon of darkness.

Out in the darkness I could faintly see a light. It grew brighter and brighter as it came closer. Or was it I who was moving towards it? Regardless, I didn't want to. I wanted to scream and it began to feel like I was burning.

My whole body was hot and I didn't like it. I was scared.

There was nothing I could do as the light engulfed me, immersing me, before it fade away to reveal a rather dark room and the smell of medicine.

Everything came rushing back to me and I could feel an ache began to pound behind my forehead; my eyes burned with unshed tears.

I was still alive.

Why was I still alive? Surely these people knew I wanted to die, that it wasn't some last minute act of desperation, but a well-thought-out decision that was designed to set me free?

Why did they save me?

Why was I still here?

Did they not understand that I was only a burden? A sick excuse of a human being that fell in love with my brothers _fiancé,_ one that shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same oxygen as everyone else? I deserved to die, and yet these people were naïve enough to try and save me.

That thought alone was enough to bring more tears to my eyes.

Laying my hand on my chest confirmed that, yes the heart in my chest was still beating, steady and strong.

Not for the first time I asked God what I had done to anger him so much, that even when I tried to do the right thing, He still felt that I needed to suffer more. How much more did I need to hurt, to suffer, before God would free me and let me die?

At a sound I looked to my left to see a girl, probably a nurse, staring at me in shock. It was only then that I noticed that I was laying on a bed in a white room. A hospital. One of the places I hated the most, out of everything.

Looking around, I realized I was alone; besides the nurse. Neither Nii-chan nor Usami-san were there. Really, I don't know what I expected. Why would they care enough about me to give up their night of snuggling in bed together?

Just the thought made my chest squeeze painfully and I almost gasped in surprise and pain. They were still there—those horrible feelings that I had tried to get away from; the ones that made me feel despair that I was even alive.

"I-I-I'll go find the doctor," she stuttered before nearly running out of the room.

I just lay there, feeling too weak to sit up or to try to talk to the poor sap. Now that I really thought about it, I was exhausted. I wanted to go to sleep. As my eyes began to close again, the door flew open.

The doctor, a really tall man with dark hair, came flying over to me with a shocked and oddly pleased looked plastered on his face. I would have normally thought about it more in-depth but I was so tried.

I just wanted to sleep.

The doctor was saying something but I couldn't understand. It was like he was speaking another language. For all I knew, he was. Everything was growing foggy and my eye-lids felt like they had weights on them.

I couldn't help but close them, effectively falling back into the darkness I sought.

Later, I was awoken by the beeping of the heart machine next to the bed. It took me a moment before I realized it was my heart beat echoing through the room.

I felt something heavy on my hand and looked down at it. I saw my own fingers intertwined with those of someone else. Following the other person's arm up to a shoulder and then to a tuff hair.

Nii-chan sat next to my bed, sleeping slumped over the bed at an awkward angle, clutching my hand like it was a life line.

I stared at him for a moment; feeling and hearing my heart beat speed up. They must have called him when I woke up. I could see how tired he was. There were dark bags under his eyes, and his skin had paled considerably. He looked a lot skinnier then I remembered.

A tidal-wave of guilt came over me, and the more I stared the stronger it grew.

I did this...

It was all my fault. I was only a burden before, but now my plan to make everything better-to make Nii-chan and Usami-san happy-was all for nothing. If anything, I had made them suffer more because I had lived; because I was still alive.

I still couldn't do anything right!

I must have made a noise or something, because Nii-chan began to wake up. My first reaction was to close my eyes and pretend to be asleep, but I realized how selfish that would be. Nii-chan was losing sleeping and cuddling time with Usami-san to be with here with me; so even though I was scared, I kept my eyes open.

Nii-chan didn't notice at first. He just sat up and yawned, stretching his sore muscles without a glance at me. I knew it was coming so I just held my breath as his eyes locked with mine.

His eyes became so wide that I thought they would pop out. Normally I would have laughed at how comical that look was, but this was no laughing matter.

He didn't say anything, but that was okay because the tears welling up in his eyes told me more than words could ever.

'_Thank God you're awake' _was what his eyes screamed to me.

Nii-chan bowed his head and began to sob. I couldn't do anything but watch. I felt helpless. I couldn't watch his pain anymore and had to look away. I wanted to tell him it was okay, that I was okay, that everything was going to be okay from now on, that I wouldn't do it again but I couldn't.

Because I knew it would all be a lie.

I wasn't fine, it wasn't okay, and I didn't know if I would ever be okay. As long as I had these feelings, as long as I couldn't let go of wanting Usami, as long as I loved Usami-san, I knew that I could only spend my life making the one person I never want to hurt, cry.

So I just sat there like the helpless child I was, just listening to his sobbing because I was too much of a coward to watch.

"Why?" he choked out, making me snap to look at him in surprise

It was then that I started to cry. What was I supposed to say to that? 'I'm sorry' maybe, but was I really? Did I really regret it?

Looking through my blurry eyes at my brother who was crying so hard that he couldn't sit up straight, sobs pouring from him like they would never end, I knew I had made the right choice. If he was this upset from just this, how would he ever handle the whole truth?

The truth that I was in love with his Fiancée.

I knew I didn't regret a thing. I turned away from Nii-chan again as I couldn't face him with my feelings. Tears poured down my face at a pace close to my brother's, but I didn't utter a word as I was afraid Nii-chan would see right through me.

We sat in silence for a moment before Nii-chan threw his arms around me and pulled me into a crushing hug.

I felt a shudder go through me from being touched. I couldn't figure out if it was because I didn't like it, or if it was because it had been so long since I've been touched. Either way I was too weak and guilty to try pushing the arms away.

Instead, I allowed myself to stop thinking and just went with what felt right. My arms came up around Nii-chan. As I pulled him closer, the flood gates broke and I couldn't help but sob loudly.

I held him to me and he clung to me and we both cried.

I don't know how long we stayed like that but I was so tired and my eyes were hurting from exhaustion and crying. I couldn't hold them open anymore. Nii-chan must have felt the same, since we both laid back and fell asleep.

When I awoke yet again the room was so bright that I flinched away, quickly shutting my eyes again to stop the burning. Opening them after a few moments of adjusting to the light, I looked down to see Nii-chan still asleep on me.

Now that I was back to thinking instead of just acting, I felt mildly uncomfortable being so close to someone. I tried to push away the urge to move away as I didn't want to wake Nii-chan and have to deal with all the questions he no doubt had.

Looking at Nii-chan I saw that he looked more peaceful in his sleep than the last time. I wanted to run my hands through his hair but I resisted because I really didn't have the right act like a loving-brother after everything that I put Nii-chan through.

I felt tears fill my eyes again but I couldn't let them fall. I didn't have the right. Why was I still alive? Why couldn't I have died? Thousands of people try to kill themselves every year; why am I the only one who failed?

It's me.

I couldn't do something, anything right if I wanted to.

Failure. Loser. Incompetent. Disgusting. Stupid. Mistake. Waste of oxygen. Boring. Unwanted. Unneeded. Unworthy.

Everything I was and more. How could I ever expect someone to love me? In some twisted way, it's best that I fell for someone I could never have. I would never have to deal with someone that just didn't want me even though they were completely free.

Usami-san...

I wanted to see him. Even though that thought brought me more guilt and shame than anything else, it was true. I desperately wanted to see him.

I wondered why he wasn't with Nii-chan. They were normally attached at the hip. But now Nii-chan was alone.

The thought of what they had been doing all alone in the big house while I was here made my whole body ache.

He probably wasn't here because I was.

Why would he want to hang out in a dirty, ugly hospital room where his lover's brother—whom he had never really liked-was in a coma because he failed to off himself?

Usami-san wouldn't want to dirty his hands with a disgusting being like me and I didn't blame him. If I was him, I wouldn't want to either.

The thoughts made me want to curl into a ball but I couldn't without waking Nii-chan up and then having to answer all his question.

What were those questions going to be? Would they ask me why I did it? Would I tell them the truth? Would they force it out of me? Would I have to see those horrible emotions on Nii-chan's face again? Would Usami-san hate me even more now? Would they send me off to some mental ward?

Bile rose in my throat but there was nowhere to throw up. Sweat began to pour down my face and I couldn't breathe. I could faintly hear the beeping of the heart monitor going crazy.

All thoughts stopped and my throat began to close; the room wouldn't stop spinning.

I could feel this uncomfortable feeling creeping into the pit of my stomach. I couldn't figure out what it was but I wanted it to stop.

It wasn't any of the normal things I felt, like self-hatred or disgust. It wasn't loneliness or sadness and it wasn't anger either. I wasn't upset any more than before.

And then it hit me like a ton of rocks – fear.

I was scared of what would happen. I was scared of the future. I wasn't supposed to even _have_ a future and now I would.

I didn't know what I was going to do and that terrified me.

**Please R & R**

**If anyone has any suggestions or advice they want to offer that would be really helpful**

**I want to thank all my followers and people that review. I know I'm slow with updateing, so thank you for staying with me and reading my story.**

**I also want to thank my editor Ravenstar-of-ShadowClan because not only is she willing to beta this story and she always knows just what I want to say, she has become a close friend and I don't know what I would do without her.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Next chapter, enjoy**

**Hope it was worth the wait…..**

**This chapter is dedicated to ****Invisiblemage because their review is my favorite and they gave me a great idea for my story! So thank you Invisiblemage! : D**

**Also I have to give credit to Manny Heatlook****,**** as you gave my some ideas also. Thanks to both of you! : )**

The road to recovery was long and hard. I was informed later on that from the first time I had a woken to the second time it had been three days.

This information was meaningless to me as time had become useless. I couldn't tell what day it was let alone what time it was. It all passed in waves of haze and confusion.

I was kept sedated most of the time; as they were afraid I would hurt myself again. I can still remember the look on Nii-chans face when the doctor told him that.

I really couldn't blame them because the idea of jumping out of the hospital window had passed through my head more than once in the few moments I could actually think. Then they would inject that "magical" stuff and I would back to being numb and unable to understand anything.

I hated feeling numb.

There was the numbness from before when I would cut and then there was this type of numbness. They were competently different feelings. This kind was evil; it stripped me of my ability to think, to feel anything, to…anything.

It made me feel helpless and stupid and more than anything—nothing. Like I was nothing, that I meant nothing, my feelings were nothing, my thoughts were nothing. It was one of the worst feelings I had gone through so far.

It was funny they give me that stuff to try to help me, to keep me from harm, and yet with every dose I felt even more dead inside.

It also made me laugh when I thought about it because in all the time before I was hospitalized, all I wanted was to be numb and yet here I was complaining about it. At least before I felt alive; even through all the pain and the hurt I was alive. It was something I was only realizing now.

The pain had kept me alive, as crazy as that sounded it did. The pain had allowed me to live as long as I had and without it, I'm sure that I would have been dead or strapped to this gurney a long time ago.

But I guess now it's a moot point because here I am

The realization made me laugh, and the more I thought about it the harder I laughed. I was a hypocrite because I knew myself and I knew that the moment I felt that soul torching, breath taking, relentless pain; I would want to be numb again.

Hypocrite.

The insult vibrated from my insides out, becoming the only thing I could think of. Again and again it echoed in my head, and I could only laugh.

I must have seemed insane, as several nurses came rushing into the room to check on me. One pulled out a syringe and a moment later I was back in the fog.

I could see Nii-chan talking with one of the nurses—the one that had brown hair and eyes—by the far wall.

What where they talking about?

Was it me?

Where was Usami-san?

Darkness began to cover the edges of my sight and I rolled onto my back. The question persisted, sitting at the front of my mind because even on the brink of unconsciousness, filled full with enough sedatives to make me sleep for days and not feel anything for even longer, Usami-san still manages to find his way into my mind.

As the days passed, I felt less and less hazy and I could only guess it was because they were slowly taking me off whatever drug I was on.

Nii-chan stayed with me most of the time, but when he was gone I had a private nurse that watched me constantly. I had been put under 24/7 suicide watch. Again, I couldn't really blame them because when the window became impossible to use, the needles stuck in me began to look very appealing as a way to reopen the still-healing wounds on my arms.

I came to know the main private nurse very well, as I was with her most the time. It was more because of boredom than anything else, but it doesn't matter now. She would talk endlessly, without me ever saying a word. But I would listen.

Her name was Manami Kajiwara. She had brown hair and brown eyes and it wasn't long after they started reducing my drugs that I recognized her as the one Nii-chan was talking to several weeks ago.

Though friendly and nice, she was quite boring in everything. Her long speeches were normally about nothing in particular and I eventually zoned out; normally when I could no longer take the excessive babbling.

I felt guilty for thinking like that about her, but I couldn't help it as it was the truth.

Though I was off the high-dosage sedative that made me sleep all the time, I was still on some sort of sedative but unlike the last I was thankful for this one, because, while leaving me conscious, it kept me from thinking too deep into things that hurt too much.

Like how Nii-chan felt right now; how disgusted everyone must be with me; how disappointed my parents would be if they were here right now; where Usami-san was and if he hated me even more now for making Nii-chan this miserable.

It kept me from thinking; it stopped me from feeling the tidal wave of anger and hate and disgust.

It was good, this not-feeling, because I could think, but not about those things. They didn't crush me under their weight. It allowed me to ignore them.

I wish I could ignore them forever, but I knew that wouldn't be possible. At some point I knew I would have to face it.

Even with the nice drugs, I still couldn't look Nii-chan in the eyes and if he reached to grab my hand, I would recoil away from him. I knew it hurt him more when I did, but I couldn't allow him to show me that kind of kindness.

Because who was I to deserve it?

I didn't. I was sick, gross, twisted, broken. Even if he didn't see it now, he would later. He would remember all those times he showed me kindness and hate himself, and me more than anything.

Himself, because he did it and me, because I allowed it.

I was damaged and anyone that said I wasn't was fooling themselves. And yet they came around every day to talk to me, to show me a kindness, a 'warmth' that I never thought possible. It made my stomach crawl every time and I would want to cry because I knew the truth.

It suffocated me

Everyone had tried to talk to me, to make me talk, but I hadn't said a word to any of them. I desperately wanted to ask many things but on the top of my list was where Usami-san was. It burned my mouth with how much I wanted to ask, but I couldn't allow the words to escape. It was too risky. So I said nothing at all.

I knew I was just hurting myself by not talking and not cooperating. The fewer signs of 'getting better' I showed, the longer I would be strapped to this bed, being watched constantly. The more I would hurt Nii-chan by showing him my true feelings, my true self.

I needed to show them I was better, I needed to make up for my sins. My sins of being a burden, of being me. I needed to try, even if I had already died inside.

So I did, but I started slow. A couple of words here and there; a painted on smile; allowing Nii-chan to hold my hand in his own, even though it made me cringe on the inside, a forced laugh, food that tasted like cardboard shoved down my throat, admiring eyes that surveyed the world around me, taking in the 'beauty' of things that I never saw before.

It was all fake.

Every word I spoke, every sound I made, every expression that went across my face. It was all fake, an illusion, a trick, an act, a lie.

That's what I was, a liar.

An ugly, repulsive, burden-liar. I could see the hope in Nii-chans eyes and the smiles on everyone – so happy that I was getting better. I didn't know it was possible, but I hated myself even more than before.

I was a terrible person and this facade made it even clearer that I shouldn't be allowed to breathe the same air as everyone else.

I say all that, but I couldn't stop myself now. They were all so happy, especially Nii-chan, how could I go back now? How could I ruin their hopes? How could I tell them that I wasn't okay?

It was several more weeks and lots of long talks with a therapist that had been assigned to me, although I never did say anything important or truthful because of my fear that they would be disgusted or tell Nii-chan. I knew it was stupid. They would never say anything, but I couldn't stand the thought of them looking at me with those eyes. Eyes that said everything that I already knew, that I already told myself. With help from the therapist whom I had told I was terrified of being locked up, I had convinced Nii-chan into not admitting me into a mental hospital. I was very thankful for the therapist, as I'm sure Nii-chan would never have allowed it. But the therapist told him that it would do me more harm than good.

I was also thankful because I didn't know if I could keep the act up in there. And if they knew my thoughts, they would never let me leave.

As much as I hated the hospital, I soon learned that I hated being home even more.

It was like it had been before, back when Nii-chan and Usami-san were always gone and I was alone, but this time Nii-chan was here. He was always with me, having taken time off work to watch me and make sure that I didn't go for the pills next.

It was so silent in the house. We didn't talk at all and I wondered if it was because Nii-chan didn't know what to say to me. He wouldn't even look at me sometimes.

I could feel my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach every time that happened and I could only think one thing – he finally figured out how disgusting and unworthy of his love and kindness I was. It was a heart wrenching feeling that made me want to cry but I didn't.

I hadn't cried once since that day with Nii-chan.

I had always known it was coming. How could I not? But now that it was finally here, it nearly destroyed me. I thought I was ready for it, that I had prepared myself for when it would come but I couldn't have imagined what it did to me inside.

Pain, never ending pain and though the drugs helped stop most it, it was always there. With every beat of my heart and every breath I took it was there, like a parasite that had infected my whole body.

All the emotions piled on top of each other. Pain, self-hate, disgust, sadness, loneliness, anger… I wanted to know why. Why was he ignoring me now? Was it to make me hurt more? Was it to make me feel worse?

It had been weeks of silence, with the tension growing with every second. Those questions circled my brain, not even letting me sleep. I was so tired of acting and lying and keeping everything inside… I felt ready to burst.

"Why are you ignoring me?" I asked softy, my voice cracking a little from being out of use.

I slowly slid my eyes from the table where we were eating rubbery eggs to Nii-chan. His expression was something out of a movie. Fork half-way to his mouth, food slightly falling off it, eyes wide in surprise. He put the fork down and paused to clear his throat.

"I'm not ignoring you." He spoke in a normal voice compared to my quiet one.

It was my turn to look stunned. How could he call what had been taking place for months not ignoring? I decided that it would be okay, just this once to speak my mind. Maybe this would hide my ugly side from him just a little bit better, because I couldn't stand him not talking to me, not smiling at me anymore.

"You don't talk to me; it's always so silent. Even when you're sitting right next to me all you do is stare off into space. It's almost like you're not even here." I whispered back, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him anymore, in fear of his expression.

I thought the conversation was a little ironic because what I just said seemed like something that Nii-chan should be saying to me, not the other way around.

"What do you want me to do?" Nii-chan asked raising his voice slightly; I flinched back from the tone in his voice.

He sounded so hopeless and weak

"I don't know what to do! I'm so scared I'll say the wrong thing and send you over the edge! I still don't even know why you did it…" he said in a softer voice than before, but I still couldn't look up at him.

"I keep going through it, over and over again in my mind…the months leading up but I can't think of anything. What happened? Where did I go wrong? Was it because I wasn't here?" His voice cracked with tears and it was here that I looked up.

Nii-chan had his head in his hands and he was shaking like a leaf. I felt helpless; I should have kept my mouth closed.

"Why?" He whispered, almost to quietly for me to hear

His head came up and he locked his eyes with mine, searching for something.

"Why did you do it?" he asked again just as quietly

I stared back for a moment before looking away.

How was I to answer? What would I say? I couldn't use the excuses I gave to the therapist; Nii-chan would see right through them. He would know I had lied.

Shouldn't he have already known why or at least part of why? I had written it down, clearly. Why hadn't he read it? Did he deem it not worth his time? What happened to my letter?

I was about to ask but I changed my mind. In some weird way I was glad that Nii-chan hadn't read my letter. It meant he was still in the dark about the feelings that weighed heavily on my shoulders.

Instead of asking about the letter or answering the questions that Nii-chan really wanted to know but I could never answer, I decide that I would ask about something else that had been clawing at my insides. Though I knew it would hurt me more when I asked; I needed to know, so like ripping off a band ad, I blurted it out, "Where's Usami-san?"

The sobs that had been dying down when Nii-chan realized that I wasn't going to answer stopped completely. Everything went quiet again and both me and Nii-chan seemed to stop breathing all together for a second. The moment was broken when Nii-chan picked up his fork again and went back to eating the now cold food.

"With you coming out of the hospital and everything, we decided to take a break for a couple months" Nii-chan answered but he refused to look at me.

He was lying.

But why and what about?

What had happened?

**Please R & R**

**If anyone has any suggestions or advice they want to offer that would be really helpful**

**I want to thank all my followers and people that review. I know I'm slow with updating, so thank you for staying with me and reading my story.**

**I also want to thank my editor Ravenstar-of-ShadowClan because not only is she willing to beta this story and she always knows just what I want to say, she has become a close friend and I don't know what I would do without her.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Next chapter**

**Really sorry about the wait and I hope this is worthy of even being part of this story….**

**Thank you to all my fans that have stuck with me, hopefully I'll be able to post more often now.**

I awoke to the sounds of someone pounding on the door. There was a crash and screaming and immediately I was up and to the stairs leading down. From here I couldn't see the door but I could hear more clearly; I recognized the voices almost instantaneously and I felt my breath hitch in my throat.

Usami and Takahiro

I made my way to the front door where the voices were getting louder and louder but I could barely hear them over the sound of my heart banging in my chest. I heard the faint outline of my name said but nothing else made it to my brain.

The closer I got to the door, to him, the harder my heart thumped in my chest and I began to sweat; my palms becoming slick with nervous.

I rounded the corner with my breath held and it came out in a puff the moment I saw him. I wonder if there's a way to describe how I felt in that moment. It was like a cigarette and a red bull after a long day of work, like the first meal after a long time without eating, like air rushing back in when all the oxygen was gone.

Relief

All pain was gone, all thoughts were put away, all the weight and heartache and everything that was on my shoulders was gone. I could breathe and it was beautiful.

He was beautiful

And then it was gone.

Usamis' eyes slide from Nii-chan to me and went dead. He stopped mid-sentence and his eyes held me in a death glare. I knew in that moment that even if Nii-chan didn't hate me, didn't understand my unworthiness and was still willing to treat me kindly; Usami-san did. He knew, he understood and he hated me for it.

Cold

His eyes where cold, not the blazing anger I expected but a kind of deathly still anger that overwhelmed me and scared me more than I could ever began to explain.

"It's all your fault, if it wasn't for you…" he began but was quickly interrupted and snarled at by Nii-chan

But that wasn't what I wanted, I wanted to hear him say it, I wanted him to confirm it because if he said it…to me it would mean it was true.

Either way it was enough.

I didn't cry, I didn't do anything, my heart squeezed and my body burned with a fever that I never knew I could feel. It blazed into every corner of my body, turning my skin pink with heat. At that same moment as heat blazed around me, burning me with its intensity; a kind of cold blew through me. It froze my insides, turning them to ice. How was this? What was this?

How could something ever hurt this much?

I turned away from the arguing couple that was no talking in whispers and left them to be together, what was I to do? What was I to say? What did I expect from Usami?

Hate

Why does something that you already know make you hurt?

Despite everything I wished them to be happy, to get married; hopefully what I had done hadn't ruin anything. Despite everything Nii-chan has always been there for me, has always cared for me even when there were easier options. Despite everything I love my brother more than anything and I love Usami more than anything…I just want them to be happy even if it means that their together.

Anything less would ruin me

Some days I do really think I'm getting better, when I don't think and don't focus I really do think I'm getting better. Some days I smile for real, or something makes me giggle and it's real. Sometimes I feel ashamed of these moments…why should I be allowed to be happy like that? Sometimes I don't and then times like now I'm ashamed that I didn't feel ashamed during those times.

I've come to relies that no matter what I feel during those times it doesn't really matter. As long as no one finds out I think those things it doesn't matter. Besides it makes Nii-chan smile sometimes and that's more than I can say for a lot of things.

I never did ask about what they were arguing about nor did I ever bring Usami-san back up again even though I missed him more than I thought was humanly possible or healthy.

Nii-chan started going back to work after the first month of me being home but as a precaution he hired the pretty nurse Manami to watch me well he was gone as she had done while I was at the hospital.

I hated it and her at first but after a while I began to slightly like the company…when she was quiet. My favorite times are when we are curled up on our own couches with a book and only silence as the back ground music.

Sometimes I hate silence and sometimes I love it.

I sometimes hear Nii-chan crying all alone at night, times like these I would love silence. I want to ask him what makes him cry and have sleepless nights. I want to ask a lot of questions but I can't.

I don't have the right

Not the right to ask or the worthiness to be given an answer

I'm the one that stays silent using his tears as a way to remind myself what I have done by breathing, by failing, by being me.

It's my fault

If only things were different

If only I hadn't fallen in love

And even with that said I wouldn't change my feelings for him for the world because it's beautiful. Even though it's corrupt and terribly miserable and painful and hateful and full of spite;

It's beautiful

And it's mine.

**Please R & R**

**Sorry it's shorter than chapters before….im already working on the next chapter so should be up soon. **

**Also, this is unbetad (so be gentle)...if someone would be interested id be open. let me know :)**

**As always any advice or questions or anything about the story let me know, I always try to write back and I'd love to hear from anyone. Thanks again to my fans.**


	15. Chapter 15: Disgrace

**Alright Next chapter, it's a little longer and hopefully up to standard **

They broke up 

They were no longer together

That happily ever after that they were going to have was gone like a cloud blown away on a windy day. It was over.

And it was all my fault.

Nii-chan would never say that in so many words but I knew. He did it so he would have time to take care of me. I always knew the truth. I always knew it wasn't just a break that they were taking. I always knew that in some aspect that they weren't together anymore and the rift of Nii-chan choosing me over Usami-san would never be able to be forgiven.

I always knew.

I wanted to continue pretending that everything was okay with them, that I hadn't ruined it. That I hadn't destroyed the one thing my brother had done for himself since our parents died. I wanted to continue pretending.

It id wasn't for the picture I could have.

It was a picture of the three of us. Nii-chan's eyes bright with happiness, Usami's even more so. The smiles on their faces were picture perfect, even I had tried to smile.

Nii-chan took one look and began to sob.

Not the ordinary I'm sad kind of crying, but truly heart wrenching, deep down from the soul kind of crying. The kind of crying that happens when you're suffering and suffering and you can't do anything but cry. A kind of crying that I almost knew too well.

He confessed all to me.

How he broke up with Usami, how Usami begged him not to, everything Usami has done since to try and get back together. How it breaks his heart that he's doing this to him, how much he feels unworthy of such a great man and how he needs to do what's best for his family even if it hurts.

Feelings I know too well.

Usami truly loves my brother.

I wonder how I should feel?

Hurt by how much Usami loves my brother? Knowing that it's not for me, but for someone close to me, knowing it couldn't ever be me even if they got over each other because it is my brother he loved.

Maybe I should feel relieved? Happy even?

Now I didn't have watch. I didn't have to see them together or think about all the things they would be doing together. I didn't have to imagine the long, deep talks as they learned everything about each other. I didn't have to long to be that person, I didn't have to want. I didn't have to feel those things anymore.

But…did it matter that it was my brother that Usami loved?

It could be anyone and I knew better than anyone that someone was going to come along and see how wonderful he was and take him. Even if Usami fell out of love with Nii-chan I still couldn't have him because I was me.

And that probably was the worst thing

I always knew that.

I didn't feel happy or relieved. I felt guilty more than anything. Guilty and despair was all the rushed through my veins.

I wonder at times like this if I was incapable of feeling positive emotions. To be honest I couldn't remember what it was like to be happy. Not even happy anymore, I couldn't remember what it was like to not hate myself, to not feel this way, I can't remember what it was like to be at ease.

To be normal

What was normal?

What was it to not feel these things?

The guilt racked my insides and the more I thought about it the more it burned me. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't move. The want to do anything or even get up in the morning left with the feelings.

They still had me seeing a therapist but I hardly thought it was worth it as I missed more session then I went. Even when I managed to make it there I didn't speak to her. How could I? What would I say? How would she help me?

Looking in the mirror wasn't something I did anymore. In fact, Nii-chan took down or covered all the mirrors. I couldn't look at my arms either. All my short-sleeved shirts were thrown out long ago.

I find it ironic as if I couldn't even stand to look at my arms, not even mentioning the rest of me, how could I expect anyone else to be able to stand me?

The answer was easy: I didn't.

I wonder if the hate of looking at me and the more deprave my thoughts went meant that I was falling more and more down but I found myself not caring so much anymore.

I couldn't even bring myself to care about how Nii-chan was looking at me now. The smiles at the thoughts of me getting better were gone. All I could think was that it's just showing him how I really am. It's showing him that he shouldn't be wasting love and care on someone so undeserving.

Someone like me

I tried to be happy for him though, things had been going well with him at work and that seems to be thing that made him smile now a days and I was grateful that at least he had something to do that job.

Most days I just tried not to think and even trying to do that I still think too much. I stay away from anything related to Usami for the most part. Just the thought that because of me he isn't happy, because of me he isn't with the one he loves so dearly…

It kills me

I truly despise the person I am.

It wasn't just hate anymore. Hate is fleeting, passion that can be changed, every reforming into something else. This feeling was different.

I could feel it from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. It enclosed my heart and traced up my spine, logging in my throat and burning my eyes. It didn't ever go away, it was always there, buzzing in the back of my head. Always reminding me, always telling me who I was. It doesn't leave, it doesn't change and it's how I feel about myself.

I despise me

For what I have done, from the people that I have hurt to the grotesque feelings I've had.

So I sleep

All day, every day. I don't move unless I have to. Sometimes Manami makes me get up and change clothes or take a shower but most days I don't listen to her.

I don't want to feel

I don't want to think

I just want to sleep

Days pass in a blur, I can't even remember what day it is anymore. I wonder sometimes if this is my new way of spiraling down. If anything I think it's better than how I was. Healthier, maybe?

That thought makes me laugh but I don't do it out loud

I have come to accept that this is who I am. It's a part of me, it is me and I know how I can live with knowing this, for accepting this. What I was, who I am, everything about me…how could I live with that?

Nothing had changed the fact that I didn't, couldn't, wouldn't be here anymore.

I had to die

To pay for my sins

I had to go

The only time I could ever be alone was when I snuck out of the house late at night. I didn't do it often as id much prefer to stay in bed but the body could only take so much rest before it demands to be moved. A short walk takes away the restlessness and surprisingly it was easy to leave the house unnoticed.

I liked being alone on these walks, they made it do I didn't have to pretend or put on an act for someone. This isn't saying that I put on much of any act anyways these days but somehow these walks alone made it feel like the bricks weighing me down where a bit lighter. I could be the zombie I was and not worry about anything.

There is a small park not far from the house, I normally walk to there and back but tonight was different. Tonight there was a beautiful silver haired man sitting on a bench outside the small park staring into the stars that loomed above us. 

I stopped

What was I to do?

Surely I couldn't talk to him? I wasn't the person to even have the right to talk to him. He hated me, this I knew for sure and he had every right to. I couldn't blame him for that. I hated me too, how could I expect him not to when I had taken so much more from him then I ever did to myself.

But…he looked so sad

I wavered with my wish to see him smile again. Placing one foot towards him.

But what right did I have to ask him what was wrong when I am the cause of his sadness. Who was I to be worthy of being able to stand this close to him. Who was I?

My weight shift to the foot moved towards him in an attempt to turn around and flee like the dog I was but the branches cracked underfoot making a loud noise in the silent night.

I winced, the sound deafening in the night air

Beautiful violet eyes turned to me and no sooner had they landed on me did they freeze over into icy Amethyst, glaring daggers at me.

I flinched, begging my legs to move, to run away but they too had frozen under the gaze of Usami-san. My heart dropped lower and lower into the pit of my stomach as Usami stood and walked towards me.

"Disgrace"

I could almost believe it was the wind that spoke the word but the bitter taste that it left in my mouth told me it wasn't. Ice soaked into my bones. It was like all the oxygen had been sucked out and I was left chocking.

"Don't you dare ever show your face to me again!"

I almost wish he had yelled, shouted, called me every name in the book. I wish he showed me exploding anger and dangously horrifying words. This was worse. His calm, calculated, spiteful, venom-filled voice seeped into my very soul as he walked away from me.

I waited until I heard his car drive away and then a few minutes after that before my shaking knees could no longer hold me up and I collapsed.

I didn't cry

What is there to feel when you can't feel anymore?

I don't remember the walk home, from the street I could see the lighting on in the house. I wasn't surprised, I already had a feeling that Nii-chan was onto my late night walks but had decided to trust that I was okay enough to be alone.

Wrong choice

As expected Nii-chan was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me. I left my coat on as the heater did nothing for my chilled soul. Nii-chan asked me to take a seat and I did without question.

"I couldn't sleep so I'd thought I'd just come out and ask you not and just get it over with" Nii-chan started

I just nodded, always bracing myself for the worst outcome

"Okay, so I got a promotion at work. But if I'm to take this promotion it means I'll be transferred to Osaka. Obvisoluly I couldn't leave you here so you'd have to come with me and we'd have to find a new nurse but we would make it work…what do you think?" He asked me, staring straight into my eyes for the first time in a long time.

I stayed silent, watching him. He looked happy, at least happier than I had seen him a long while. What should I say? What right did I have to weigh in on a decision this big? Nii-chan is always too kind, taking my feels into account even though I'm unworthy.

Just like Usami-san said, I'm a disgrace.

"Whatever makes you happy" was what I finally answered with.

It must have been the right answer as Nii-chan nearly beamed at me, catching me completely by surprise with his smile. When was the last time I saw that smile? Days? Weeks? Months?

"Good, I'll make the proper arrangements. Goodnight Misaki."

I jumped at the use of my name

When was the last time someone called my name?

By the time I looked up again Nii-chan was gone and I took went to my room laying under the covers fully clothes and that's when I knew.

Maybe it was because of how it was more explicit now the ever that I couldn't hold him back, hold either of them back anymore. I needed to try again and this time I refused to fail. I couldn't fail again. I couldn't be another disgrace.

I would succeed

And this time I would remove myself from the beautiful, perfect, wonderful, pure lives that I clearly didn't belong in.

**Please R and R**

**Thank you for reading, let me know what you think : D **


	16. Chapter 16

**Alright here's the next chapter, please tell me what you think **

I chose the park

They very park that I had seen Usami-san at a week earlier. I couldn't bare the thought of Nii-chan finding me earlier…or really finding me at all. In all honesty I should pick a place farther away, maybe a place that no one would find me ever. I would just be another nameless missing person.

It was the easiest of the choices to make

When was harder

How even harder

Soon was the closest I could get to answering either of them. Looking at my wrists wasn't an option, and everything I could think of was all a little to….grim?

Maybe I was thinking of this to hard?

Yes, yes I was. It should be simple and so it would be. I already had mounts of pills easy to my reach, ones I had stolen and others prescribed to me.

Sedatives, pain pills, depression, anxiety, pills to bring me up and then pills to bring me down.

They were all at the tip of my fingers and so easy to take and hide in my room without anyone knowing what I was doing. They were too soft on me, too forgiving, too trusting.

I decided to not pick a date, I would just go and do it when it felt right. There was no need for a plan or a set drama to act out. There was no need for a note or a written confession, what would the point in having another one?

I just wanted to disappear….so that's what I would do.

I wasn't needed

Several weeks past but no day felt right and for some reason it was so important to me that it was right this time. That it felt right. It's ironic because I keep saying that I'm doing this to let Nii-chan and Usami-san be happy but I think in reality I'm doing this for me

And maybe that too is me being selfish.

I just wanted to be released, to let go of all this hatred and negativity. To be set free. It's all I wanted and maybe it was wrong but this really was the only way I knew, the only way I had learned to make things better. I just wanted things to be better. I just wanted to be better.

But at this point saying that is like crying over spilt milk.

Maybe there would never be a day where it felt 'right' and that was something I would have to accept. And so I did. Maybe it didn't have to be 'right' or 'perfect', it just had to be and that was enough.

So why not now?

It was unnaturally cold when I left the house around midnight and the air only seemed to get colder with every step I took toward the park. When I arrived at the park it was like that night two weeks ago, the night Usami was sitting on the only bench, staring at the stars.

I shook my head to remove the vision, reminding myself that he wasn't really there. I went and sat on the bench again having to remind myself that he wasn't here. My back pack fell to the ground beside me as I scooted off the bench to sit on the ground.

I didn't deserve to sit somewhere were someone as great as Usami-san had sat.

I deserved to be on the cold, hard, dirty ground.

I didn't reach for my back pack for a long while, I couldn't tell you how long it was. Could have been 5 minutes or 5 hours, time had no place here with me or maybe it was the other way around.

I had no place with time.

I reached for my back pack and start pulling out the bottles, pills rattle against one another as I moved them. I starred at them for a long while as well. I knew they were all colors of the rainbow but here in the dark they all looked the same.

I didn't care what one I started with or ended with.

I just started emptying them into my mouth.

I gaged, the taste of chalk filled my mouth making me wish I had brought water with me but even then I didn't stop. My stomach started to protest and make weird noises but I didn't stop. My throat began to close and became raw as a result of the constant swallowing but I didn't stop. My breath came in weird, noisy breathes, my heart ached, and I wanted to stop…

But I didn't until they were all gone.

It hit me immediately, I just felt sleepy and vaguely like I wanted to throw up.

I lost feeling in my feet, and then my legs, my eyes became blur and I felt wetness slip from them; not as if I was crying but as if I couldn't control what my body was doing anymore. Blackness curled around the edges of my vision and I couldn't really think any more than one word sentences.

Dizzy

I couldn't feel my hands next and the feeling traveled up my arms until my whole body was in a new, unexplainable daze. My ears began to ring and I could feel my heart slowing.

Ba dump…..ba dump...ba dump...ba dump

It was almost over.

My head fell backward and I could see the stars, so beautiful and I knew that this was 'right', this was 'perfect'. I didn't need anything more, I was happy.

I could feel my mouth try to smile but my muscles couldn't comply.

Drowsy

I wanted to sleep

Just a little longer

Usami-san

**Please R and R**

**I wanted to say something to ****_wasWalkingnear _****reviewer but as you are a guest I have to do it this way and hope this story was good enough for you to read this chapter. Thank you for the compliment in saying this story doesn't need to be a fanfiction. It is intense because I have felt all these emotion to, if not more than when Misaki feels them. I know what it's like to completely hate yourself so much that you don't want to be here anymore, to hate that you can't be who you think you're supposed to be. To hate the fact that you're you and no matter how damn hard you try you can't change what you are and what you feel and that's why this story means so much to me. Misaki is so close to who I was and who I am. It's almost like his processes are mine and if that makes me a crap writer because I can't write anything other then what I feel then so be it. I hope that by writing the way I felt and feel now out I can show others that things do get better, or they will with time. Even when everything's crap and you can't stand anything, and you are so guilty and resentful and you just want it over….there's more and it's okay. Misaki will soon understand these emotions to and hopefuly I can explain this better through him. Thank you for the review and I hope you get an account so I may talk to you privately next time. Thank you for your time. **


	17. Chapter 17

**Next chapter because leaving it at that cliffhanger would be too mean **

I didn't need to open my eyes to know where I was.

I didn't need to smell the air to know what it smelt like.

I didn't need to hear the shushed whispered voices to know what they were saying.

But I did so anyways.

White walls, the smell of clean and latex, the doctor and nurse watching me talking. Talking that stopped when they saw me open my eyes. They rushed to me, too fast if you ask me as it made my head wobble in dizziness. I hated it.

Everything from the beep the machine monitoring my heart made to the frantic nurse checking me and asking questions. I didn't want to be touched, I didn't want my heart to beating, I didn't want to be here. If I could cry still I would have then.

I failed again

"Please, at least tell us your name so we can contact your family" The nurse pleaded with big blue eyes

But I didn't say anything, my heart not wavering at her pretty looks. I didn't tell them my name, I didn't speak once and because of that they couldn't let me go. The process repeated from the first time but the difference was that Nii-chan wasn't here this time.

I was glad for that

I couldn't tell you how long had passed before they found me.

Maybe a week, maybe less but too soon if I had anything to say about it. I wasn't surprised when Nii-chan and Usami came rushing into my room one morning. I knew when Nii-chan couldn't find me he would call Usami-san and they would search for me everywhere they could think of.

Including Hospitals

Nii-chan fell to his knees and clutched my hand while crying. Usami came in after him, using his long stride to reach the bed in two steps, I saw it coming before he had even raised his hand and I was more than glad he had done it.

He slapped me.

The sound echoing off the tiled floors and white walls, ringing in my ears.

It didn't hurt, pain was something I was more or less immune to. Don't get me wrong I could feel the sting, the burn and the blood rushing under the skin to the wounded area but it wasn't painful. I felt relief.

Usami understood.

This is how I deserved to be treated.

I turned to the window, pushing mute on the room as Nii-chan began to yell at Usami and Usami back a Nii-chan, the doctor coming in to yell at both of them for being noisy. I tuned out the explanation of how I got here, what had happened and everything else.

I already knew what had happened.

I had failed

Again.

A kind stranger had seen me and my bag full of empty pills and had called the cops. I had seen him briefly. A very tall, large man with kind blue eyes and dark hair, he had a kind voice as well. He seemed to know his medical stuff and was able to keep me breathing until the paramedics got there to save me.

They called me lucky, that if the man that found me didn't know the proper medical procedures to save me I wouldn't be here. If he had gotten there even a minute later I would be died. I was lucky to be alive so it seemed.

Even though the odds where completely against me, I survived. I was lucky…..how ironic.

I could see there reflection in the window, Nii-chan was nodding at the doctor listening intently but Usami-san was different. He was looking at me. Our eyes meet threw the window and like I was hypnotized I couldn't look away.

I wanted to, more than anything. It was one thing when I told myself what I was, who I was, but it was different when I could see it reflected in the eyes of the one person I would sacrifice anything for.

I hated it

And just like that he looked away and I was released.

I muted the rest of the day, not responding to any words or questions. I didn't look at anyone or acknowledge them. What was the point? I didn't want to and that was enough for now.

Night fell quickly, and the morning rose, again night fell and morning came.

Again and again and again and again

They both stayed with me the whole time, I wonder if they had gotten back together? I didn't know if this would make me happy or sad or both….but I don't think it would change anything about my feelings either way so I didn't ask.

When night fell again, I could hear them talking. This was the first time they hadn't gone home right when visiting hours were over.

I snuck over to the door, this being the first time that I had willing left my bed. This grabbed the attention of my 24/7 private suicide nurse at once but instead of stopping me he just sat there and watched. I cracked the door slightly glad that it didn't creek and give me away.

Usami and Nii-chan where standing in the hall way, talking.

"I don't know what to do Usagi-san, I cannot leave Misaki here to go through this alone but I can't take him to Osaka. They don't have the tools I need to take care of him over there. But I can't just say I can't go to Osaka now, I've already accepted the promotion…I…I can't" Nii-chan stuttered to a close looking more lost than ever.

I was stunned, was he even going to lose his job because of me?

Worthless

The silence echoed off the walls and into me. What would Usami-san say? Would he try to convince Nii-chan to leave me, that he would be better off without me? What could I say when that was truer than any lie you could make up?

How could I blame him anyways, he just wants what's best for his true love and clearly that's not me. I didn't want Nii-chan to lose his job because he had to stay here to take care of me. I didn't want any of this.

I wonder what I looked like because my nurse got up and started to lead me away from the door. Maybe he sensed that my thoughts had turned down a wrong path. But I was still close enough to the door to hear Usami-sans next words.

"Why doesn't he come stay with me then?"

**Please R and R**

**So I'm actually almost done with this story, there will probably only be 2 more chapters after this one and believe it or not I am shooting for a happy ending. Thank you for all those that have stuck with me and I apologize for my bad spelling…..it never was my strong point. **

**I'm always open to help, or advice or anything. Please review and tell me. Thank you. **


	18. Chapter 18: New

**Ello everyone, next chapter. Hope it's good **

**This chapter is dedicated to **_**InfinitePanicAttacks33**_**. Thank you for your review.**

**Also there might be a mistake in the story line or maybe I didn't say as I don't remember whose house Misaki tried to kill himself at the first time but this chapter says it's Usami-sans house. If this is wrong please let me know. Thank you!**

When I left the hospital only a week later I knew I wasn't going home. It was an easy thing to guess that, either I was going to an institution or even worse Usami-sans house. Leaving with him wasn't something I could do. I knew I would slip up and he would know my feelings.

And then he would hate me even more.

I was shocked after I heard him offer his home to me. Why? Why would he do something like that? Especially for someone he made clear he didn't like. It made no sense to me.

Or maybe it did?

Was I a pawn in a larger scheme?

If I thought about it that way it began to make sense. Did Usami-san think that by taking care of me he could somehow get back together with Nii-chan. That by offering is home to the dysfunctional little brother he could somehow stay connected to Nii-chan and made get the relationship he desired back?

Would it work?

Yes, it would

Nii-chan's heart surely would be touched by this and it was only a madder of time before they circled each other enough to meet in the middle again. The thought made me sick to my stomach. I didn't want to be the play that got them back together.

No, that was selfish.

I should be grateful that he values me enough to even use me for this purpose, maybe I'll be of some use after all.

I recognized the street as soon as we turned down it. This is Usami-sans street. So it was true…this would be my new home for a while. Nii-chan was leaving me here. Nii-chan hadn't said a word this entire time we were in the car. He pulled into the driveway but instead of getting out we just stayed sitting there.

"I'll be back, I don't care if I lose my job. Give me a month and I'll be back to take care of you. I'm not going to leave you, we can work through this. You'll get better, we'll get better, and it'll be okay" Nii-chan said but in the end it looked more like he was trying to convince himself instead of me.

After that we left the car and started up the stair case to the very house I had tried to kill myself in the first time. Did they really think this would be a good place for me to 'get better' in?

Usami-san was waiting at the door for us. I didn't look at him, I couldn't. I didn't want to see him. How can one love another so much and yet be sacred of them at the same time? How is it possible to wish to see someone so bad that the soul literally aches and yet be so frightened to even look into their eyes?

I stood nervously in the front walk way, unsure of how I was supposed to act. Anxiety crawled up from the pit of my stomach, making my hands began to sweat and shake.

Nii-chan and Usami-san chatted for a moment but I couldn't hear them over the buzz in my ears. Nii-chan turned to me saying something about needing to go so he could catch his train. I vaguely waved goodbye and then he was gone.

Silence

The buzz in my ears intensified double fold and I could hear my breathing began to catch as I started to panic. My body began to sway and rock side to side as my anxiety amplified to a level that wasn't healthy.

I was alone with Usami-san.

How many times had I wish for this very thing? How many times had I thought it would be great to just be alone with him? To talk to him for a bit? How many times?

But I didn't want it like this

I could tell he was staring at me, looking at me with ice cold daggers instead of the soft gentle gems he showed my brother.

"Don't think I'm doing this for you, it's for Takahiro"

And then he was gone and up the stairs. The door slamming behind him as he went into his office.

I knew it

My thoughts from the ride here came rushing back in, pushing all other thoughts out. They circle each other like angry dogs, biting into my unconsiceness. Pushing and moving over one another but one thing was always clear:

Everything Usami-san says and does is all for his beloved Takahiro.

I was full circle now, back to the very start. My thoughts, my mind, my actions, my feelings had all come around and now I was back where I started – back at the beginning. It was ridiculously ironic really, even after everything I've done, everything I've said and felt and thought I was right back at the beginning.

Hopelessly in love with someone I could never have.

It was crazy that I've only thought and realized this now. How stupid can I be?

Maybe I should just accept it, accept that I can never change, that this is me, that this is all ill even be? But by accepting that does it mean I'm okay with that? That I'm okay with being this way? Accept that I fell in love with my brother's boyfriend and the kind of person that does that is okay?

What does it mean?

Does it matter?

No, I suppose not. What should I do then? Maybe I should try? If anything I just don't want to be a burden to Usami-san, I couldn't handle that after everything I've done. What can I do for him? How can I help him?

I just wanted to help

And that what I did or at least tried to do. I cleaned and cooked and did everything I thought Usami-san might need. The only thing I didn't do was clean that bathroom, I couldn't even look in there let alone step into clean it. I could only imagine what it looked like that night, what I looked like that night?

Did this mean I was ashamed of what I had done?

Yes, I was. I shouldn't have done it hear. I had defiled Usami-sans house. I shouldn't have had Nii-chan find me like that. I could only imagine how it had scared him. I shouldn't have done that. I was ashamed.

Usami-san didn't talk to me. I wasn't surprised, I did my best to stay out of his way and to not meet his eyes. He watched me a lot, I could always feel when his eyes were on me. I don't know why or what he was looking for.

He had got me a nurse, several actually that stayed with me 24/7. Even when I slept there was someone down stairs awake to make sure I didn't sneak out like last time. I didn't blame him but I felt bad for him wasting his hard earned money on someone so useless and ungrateful.

He was cold, always cold. Maybe that's what hurt the most? Maybe I did have some faint hope that this might bring us closer; always wishing for a way that maybe I could be acceptable in his life even though I knew, I knew more than anyone that, that was impossible.

I was stupid, dreaming that somehow we could be the faintest of friends even.

It had been two weeks, Nii-chan called all the time but I never talked to him. I couldn't. He asked for me each time but I always said no. It was good for Usami-san because this way he could talk to Takahiro more even if it was mostly about me.

That didn't make me feel good, Usami-san talking about me.

That night I awoke to someone whisper-talking. The quite buzz noise was what woke me more than if the person had been talking in a normal voice. Opening the door I could hear even clearer that the hushed voice was coming from Usami-sans room.

He was on the phone.

Looking at the time I saw it was after 2 am, who was he talking to? What was so important? I had to know. Creeping down the stairs to the phone down there wasn't hard. The nurse assigned there barely looked up from their crossword puzzle. Pressing the hold button down on the phone so it wouldn't beep when I picked the phone up, I was successfully able to enter the conversation.

"Please, tell me what I can do. I can't lose you!" Usami-san said nearly begging

"Don't do that Usagi. You already know that there's nothing to be done. I can't do this with you, I don't know how to explain this clearly but I've changed. When I saw Misaki like that I realized that I had changed into a person I never wanted to be when I am with you. I can't, I won't be that person again. "Nii-chan's voice rang out.

Now it made sense why he was talking to someone so late at night, it was so I wouldn't overhear. I knew I should put the phone down and leave but for some reason I couldn't. I needed to hear.

"There has to be something, I can change. We can change together, be the people you want to be" Usami begged.

"Oh Usagi, you know it doesn't work that way. I can't go back to us. I can't be us anymore, or really ever. You need to let me go, find someone better" Nii-chan said softly.

I could hear a breath hitch almost like someone was about to cry but I couldn't tell who. There breathing was to close together to tell.

"Please I beg you, I love you" Usami whispered.

There was a long pause on the other end. I held my breath, would Nii-chan say it back? What would he say? Did I really want to hear this?

"Listen to me closely Usagi-san, I do love you but not in the way I use to, I don't think I can ever love you the way I loved you before. Plus…" Nii-chan paused sounding like he was steadying himself "…I've met someone"

This time I knew the hitch of breath came from Usami-san. I could feel my heart breaking in a whole new way I had never experienced before and I realized it was because my heart was breaking for someone else.

"I see, forgive me then. Goodnight Takahiro"

Then the call ended with a click.

I put the phone down slowly, and then just stared at it once it was on its holder. My eyes felt wet but I couldn't be crying. Poor Usami-san. I wouldn't wish being heartbroken on my worst enemy let alone the person I loved most.

I knew what he was feeling, I knew and I could do nothing for him.

I went up the stairs and to the front of his door. What was I doing? I couldn't knock and say I heard everything, he would throw me out. But that said all I want was to comfort him. I wanted to help him more than anyone or anything I've ever wanted before.

How could I help him? What could I do? I've never felt so absolutely helpless, with no plan and no way to make it better. There was nothing I could do for him, there was nothing and that made me feel like a small child, completely powerless.

My heart burned for him.

I could hear the muffled sound of a sob and that unraveled me. I used the wall to lower me to the ground next to the door.

Then I too begin to cry.

**Please R and R**

**So I lied, now it will be two more chapters which is good because now it should be an even 20 and that will be nice for my OCD :D. I actually dreamed this chapter so that's why it's here. Thank you for reading my story! Please review, ask anything or just to talk contact me! **


	19. Chapter 19

**Alright, next chapter. Enjoy!**

The next few days where awkward to say the least.

I didn't know what to do anymore. I wanted to help Usami-san but I really didn't know how. What should I say? How should I act? What would be best? What would allow Usami-san to open up to me on a level I knew I didn't deserve?

What would I have wanted?

When my heart was broken the first time what would I have wanted?

Just to know someone understood, to know it would be okay, someone I could talk to when it seemed to world had fallen around me. Someone who was in my corner, someone I could be with and not have to worry about how I acted or how I was feeling. That's what I wanted, that's what I had needed.

The next day I was determined to be that person!

It all started with one word

"Hi"

I said it over breakfast that we always ate together. It's funny because you would have thought I'd said id shot someone by the look that Usami-san gave me. The silence afterward echoed in my ears as I waited for what Usami-san would say. I braced myself long ahead for anything that might come out of his mouth.

"Hi? Really that's what you have to say after everything." He finally spoke

"Everything?" I asked in a near whisper, pushing myself to keep talking.

"Yes, everything. Everything that you have put your brother through, everything you've put me through. And then leaving that note for your bother to find. That was the last straw for me at least but for some reason your brother is listening to you and not sending you into a loony bin where you belong."

"You read my note?" I asked completely stuck on that, the question of what happened to it finally being answered.

"Of course I read it, how could you think of your brother like that. You should know him better than anyone, but I guess that's not saying much as Takahiro still thinks of you as a naive innocent boy. But somehow I can't wrap my head around how you thought he would feel and act. The first time you…It nearly killed him, surely you saw how finding you like that broke something in him and I don't think he will ever get it back and then you went and did it again. You destroyed him. I don't care what your reasons where or are, you ruined him, you ruined our relationship, you ruined everything in the process. We all could have been happy but you had to be this way…" Usami-san trailed off.

He stood up and began to walk away but I followed him into the living room.

"But I did it for you both, so you could be happy, it never would have worked with me here. We couldn't have all been happy and that's the truth. Please you have to understand" I spoke without thinking, nearly begging at the end.

"You think taking yourself out of the picture would have made us happy? Not talking about Takahiro but me, you think that would make me happy? I know we weren't close but we were about to be family, we lived together. I always thought you were a good kid. I'll never be able to unsee the things I saw that night and then Takahiro leaving me to be able to take care of you. Then completely calling it off, saying we can't be together, that he's already gotten over me. Did I mean so little to him? I just can't…."

Silence

"Breath" I said, finishing the sentence as he looked for the right word.

It was a feeling I knew too well, a feeling id give everything in the entire world to take away from Usami-san. I'd rather feel numb or pain or heart breaking sadness then the feeling of being unable to breathe. It's almost like your trying to get over an addiction, your body craves something. You want it so bad, its suffocating and you try and try to get what you crave but you can't have it.

It doesn't exist and then you drown.

Then I started crying, not the full on kind of sob that they do in movies. A kind of sad, quite crying that I don't even think Usami-san noticed at first

"Why are you crying?" Usami-san asked and instead of sounding mad, he sounded almost relieved.

It was foolish really but in that moment I didn't really care. I didn't think about how unworthy I was or how stupid it was or really anything at all but of how I wanted to make his pain stop. So I did the one thing I wish someone did for me.

I crossed the room and threw my arms around him in a hug.

"I'm sorry" I spoke and I think he understood I wasn't just apologizing for trying to kill myself and what that had done to them.

I was apologizing for so much more.

For his pain, for his heartbreak, for the fact that he couldn't cry, for everything from the time I had met him to now. I was so sorry and I was grieving for him in a way I knew he couldn't for himself.

And he understood.

He didn't push me away, instead he pulled me closer into him and for the first time in a long time I finally felt that I had done something right, something good.

Something worth living for.

It blossomed in my chest and pushed outward filling me with a kind of warmth I didn't know I was capable of feeling anymore. I felt a couple warm drops fall into my hair, effectively making me cry even more for his pain.

I don't know how long we stood there crying, I don't think it matter really. I had helped him and to me that meant everything.

When we parted I expected the worst, even braced myself for it but looking up into his beautiful face I saw that it wasn't needed. He stared down at me, my face blotchy and eyes red from crying and he smiled.

He smiled at me and reached out to ruffle my hair.

"Thank you"

Then he left to his room and shut the door.

And then I freaked.

I couldn't even process a coherent thought enough to even understand anything. I could feel blood rushing so fast to my face that it made me dizzy. My legs shook and my body burned in a good kind of way.

It felt amazing

I felt amazing

How was it possible for me to still feel these kind of emotions?

I went to bed that night in a daze, still unable to think or process real thoughts. When I awoke in the morning and went down stairs to cook breakfast I was surprised to see Usami-san already there cooking….something? What I couldn't tell you. He turned to me and smiled.

And just like that it was like the last year had never happened.

Of course the last year still happened, my scars were enough to tell me that but I could almost pretend that it hadn't. Usami-san wasn't nice to me per-say but I don't think he was ever really 'nice' to anyone in the sense of what we think of 'nice'.

I could almost fool myself into believing that he liked me.

Almost

He could never love me, or like me even. He had such strong feelings for Nii-chan, feelings like that don't go away so easily….it was something I knew all too well.

Even though I knew that, I understood that, I told myself that nearly every moment of the day…I couldn't shake the thought that maybe I had a chance. The way he acted with me, and the look in his eyes when he looked at me. The way he touched me in brief ways, I couldn't shake the feelings he was giving me.

For the first time hope pumped through my veins. Pushing me to want and dream and believe, more emotions I didn't think I would ever feel again. I needed to stop, I needed to not be like this and yet I could help myself.

I couldn't control myself.

It wasn't until Nii-chan came to visit me that I was able to accept that maybe Usami-san wasn't as in love with Nii-chan as before.

He wasn't cold to Nii-chan in a traditional sense but it was like the light that I saw between them before, their bond to each other was gone. It was like it had fizzled out and was no long any more. I could see that it was mutual, they bother no longer loved each other as they had before.

How was that possible?

I couldn't wrap my brain around it. I mean how could I? I would have, I had tried to give everything up for them to be happy together. How could those feelings just be gone? How could they be okay, be happy when they felt such misery by not being together?

How was it okay now?

Did this mean it was okay for me to let go of the guilt of them not being together?

No, I would always need to feel that. I needed it to understand what I had done and that was a fact. But even so, was it right for me to keep beating myself up for something they had already let go of and moved on from?

I didn't know the answers to my question and that scared me.

Nii-chan left again with the promise he would be back soon to get me and take me back home. He just needed a little more time to get his work to transfer him back here. I was okay with that, the longer he was gone the more time I got to stay with Usami-san.

I didn't know it was possible but the more time I spent with him the more in love I fell. Everything I learned made me want him more, from his little quirks that made me laugh to his horrible morning breakfasts to even the way he talked. I fell deeper and deeper and I could only wish in my best dreams that he might look at me in a new way.

But I knew it was useless, wasted hope even. I knew how disgusting I was, I couldn't even look at myself without flinching. What was I doing hoping? What was I doing thinking this was okay?

I don't think thoughts like that will ever leave me.

But maybe was okay in a sense that I needed those thoughts to keep me in check. I could go wanting more than I could have. I couldn't be wishing and praying for something that would never happen.

And I needed to be okay with that.

I couldn't answer my own question, in fact I am so confused. I don't know what's right from wrong. I don't know how I should act or be or even think. I don't know how I should be or how all of this fits together to create me. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I don't know and I need to learn that it's okay not to know.

There's only one thing I know for sure, one thing that never leaves me and won't ever change, one thing that will always be mine and will always keep me bound toward the same course and that is –

I'm in love with Akihiko Usami

**Please R and R**

**There's only one chapter left and I'm struggling with it but it should be up tomorrow. I want to thank everyone that has read my story! Please feel free to contact me over anything. **


	20. Chapter 20: Better

**Last chapter**

**I lied about posting it tomorrow and decided to post it now, please let me know what you think because I'm more unsure about this chapter then about all the others combined. **

3 months later

It had been a long, hard ride to this point and I still don't think I'm even close to being 'better'

But I knew somewhere deep down inside of me things had changed, I had truly improved. Not in the ways I thought I had before, but in a new sense.

I no longer wanted to die.

Don't get me wrong though, I still thought I deserved to die. That by wanting to live I was selfish and a coward for wanting to enjoy what I had. The things I have done won't ever leave and the people I had hurt can never be mended.

Some scars don't heal

I can't tell you the way I feel about myself as it changes day by day, the emotion whirl through me in ways I can only say is human. I'm human and some days I can't function right and I just don't want to be here anymore.

I don't know what's right or wrong or what I should think or do or be and that scares me more than anything. I still haven't answered any of my questions.

I constantly question myself, I can't be normal. I can't go through a day without wondering if what I say or do or act is the correct thing. Sometimes I'm so paralyzed with fear about what I want to say or do that I can't even move.

Being around people freaks me out, as I can't process and make the right moves like a normal person would and sometimes I really hate myself for it. I just wish I was normal.

But like I said, some scars don't heal.

Nii-chan has been here helping me with every step, I finally let him in. I didn't tell him about Usami-san but I did finally take the step and opened my heart to him even though it nearly killed me.

Not because I thought he was unworthy but because I thought I was.

I still struggle and probably always will with thinking that I'm not worthy of being talked to or listen to. That I'm just a burden and that I'm not valuable to those around me. That it would be okay with me gone.

And surprisingly Usami-san has been there as well, the biggest shock was when he asked me to be with him. I couldn't believe at the time either. Even now I have trouble even thinking that those words came out of his mouth. I mean he's him and I'm me…how could he want someone like me? Especially when he loved Nii-chan so much.

And to think I had to turn him down.

How I am now wasn't someone that could be with him. Who I am now wasn't worthy of him, wasn't good enough, wasn't someone that should be allowed to be with him and I explained that to him too. My feelings for him clear as day even though I never said them directly.

I had never cried so hard and so much in my life as I had that day.

And somehow he understood. He laughed and told me that's what he expected me to say and that he would wait for a time when I felt it was okay for us.

But would there ever be a time?

He calls every other day to talk to me and check in on me. He even sometimes takes me out to eat or to see a movie to get me out of the house. I sometimes like to think of them as a date but then I always berate myself after.

There's a lot of things I still have to work on, and I don't think this journey will ever be over. It's something I'll always have to work on and I need to learn to be okay with that.

Something's take time and that's okay.

There's lots of things I have to learn to be okay with and not allow them to make spiral down like I did before. I needed to be better, not just for me but for Nii-chan and for Usami-san.

One of those is that I may never be with Usami-san.

There may never be a time when it's okay for us.

Just thinking it makes me hurt but I don't allow that pain to drag down. I know I will never love anyone else as long as I live and I know that no one can ever love me if I don't become better and maybe that's why I'm trying so hard.

I just want to be with him.

But I have to be okay if that doesn't happen.

Even though he said he wants to be with me there are so many things that hold us back and make it difficult and though I may not be able to love anyone else as long as I live, Usami-san can. I would never be able to forgive myself for taking away something from him that would be easier because I was being selfish. Because I wanted him with me.

There's too many emotions wrapped up in us, in me and him and Nii-chan. So much has happened and speaking for myself alone I don't know if I can ever teach myself that it's okay to be in love with him after I told myself so many times that it wasn't. And I can't take those emotions out on him.

I have to learn to live with it and be okay with that even though hurts like a thousand needles stabbing me all over.

I still hope though that maybe with every step I take toward being 'better' that maybe there's a chance that I could somehow be with him. Every time he contacts me, it makes me dream and believe that maybe its possible. I bounce back and forth so much it makes me dizzy.

There's too much history between us for us to ever be together like I wish. I don't know if I will ever get to ask him or even tell how much I love him. I know that Nii-chan still has questions but I could never tell the real reasons of why I did what I did or tell him what really goes through my head every day.

I love him and I won't hurt him anymore.

Every day I take new steps towards being this new sense of better and hopefully one day I will be better. I won't have to think so much, that I will be okay, that things will be okay.

One day I'll be able to answer my questions and I'll be able to let things go and learn to love myself the way I am. Love who I am, even if that means I can't be with Usami-san the way I wish I could. One day I can look in the mirror and push up my sleeves without being ashamed. That I can talk to Nii-chan about everything and tell him what he wants.

And though it might not be today or tomorrow or months from now but one day I can look at myself and truly say 'I'm okay"

**Please R and R**

**So I'm thinking of maybe doing a second book….basically it would be Misaki learning all these lessons and learning that he can be with Usami-san because of course Misaki can never stay away from Usami-san ;) (So they would get together completely if I did a second one) but I'm not sure. Let me know what you guys think!**

**I want to thank everyone that has read this story, it means a lot to me. It's kind of sad because it's over but I think it's a happy ending even though Usami-san and Misaki aren't together completely…**

**As always, any questions or comments I'd be more than happy to answer so please PM me. **


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